More Damn Gnomes

Hello. Yes, my beauty makes you weak. Let's move on. I know The Princess revealed several of the captors hidden celebrity gnome photos to you earlier in the week. I also know the goober never told you who they were! So, if you're still wondering (and why wouldn't you be) the previous photos (still available in the archives) were Jerome-Jerome the Party Gnome (yes that is his name) and Yolanda Vega; Jennifer Nettles, Denny Terrio, Random Nun at a baseball game, Will Lee, R & B band Flash something, Al Sharpton, Marvin Hamlish, Carol Channing, Glen Beck, Kevin Sharp and Harry Casey (KC of KC and the Sunshine Band). Now, I went pawing (pun intended) through the captors crap and I found the following photos.

 Maureen McGovern

 American Idol runner up Danny Gokey

America's Most Wanted host John Walsh

And, my personal favorite...Toby Keith! Red solo cup, I chew you up, let's have a party! Toby Rocks! One little bit of Gnome Trivia. Jerome-Jerome was wearing a Buffalo Bills Jersey when he met Toby and Toby refused to pose with him until it was removed. Seems Mr. Keith is a devoted Tennessee Titans fan. Just goes to show you that nobody's perfect! Later
Sway

Who doesn't love the TSA

Hello my dear friends. Great news! Apparently the TSA (Transportation Security Administration) has determined that strip searching 5 year olds and making grandma drop her depends may not be making our airports safer after all! Wow! What a revelation! They've determined that treating every passenger as a suspected terrorist may actually be causing unnecessary delays. Genius! So, after much deliberation, study and reflection they have come up with the "Pre-Check", a new program that allows pre-screened fliers to go through a dedicated or "easy pass" lane where they wouldn't have to removed their shoes, belts, jackets, etc. They can leave their 3-1-1 liquids, laptops, etc. in their carry on bags and basically breeze through the check point. Sounds great, right? LOL. It's a government program! So, all you have to do to join the "I'm not a terrorist" club is fill out an application and submit it with a $100 dollar (non-refundable) payment.  After your check clears you will be notified as to whether or not you qualify for the program. If you don't, well, sucks to be you. If you do, you'll submit to a series of security questions, a background check, finger prints and the like. If you pass that, you'll be given a date for a face to face interview a customs agent. If you clear all of these steps you will be deemed "not a terrorist" for the next 5 years! I'm beside myself with joy! Of course, for the rest of us, who don't fly often enough to fork over $100 to keep our shoes on, well, we'll just have to live with the stigma that we may still be considered a threat at airports, and be treated accordingly. On the upside, if enough people opt for the fast track it may make the slow track quicker for the rest of us! You have to love the TSA!
Po

Red Lobster or Jail: You Choose

hello my dear friends. Sometimes I read a news story that just makes me roll! A 47-year old man in Plantation, Florida was arrested for domestic abuse. After reviewing the case, the judge deemed the "abuse" wasn't all that bad and decided on a rather odd punishment. A little background. According to the wife's complaint, she and her husband were fighting after he forgot to wish her a happy birthday. During the dispute he shoved her and she fell on to the couch. She was not injured. He had no criminal record and no history of abuse. The judge didn't feel the incident warranted jail time so the judge ordered him to stop somewhere and buy flowers, get dressed up, pick up his wife and take her to Red Lobster for dinner, followed by an evening of bowling. If he didn't follow the sentence on every detail he would be sent to jail! Two things come to mind. First, what are the chances their house doesn't have wheels on it? Second, am I the only one who would rather go to jail than to Red Lobster and Bowling? You make the call.
Po

Now I really have heard it all!

Hello my dear friends. When it comes to strange things you humans do, I really thought I had heard it all but, once again, you never cease to amaze me! The newest trend in "beloved pet preservation" is Freeze Drying! You read that right. People are have their departed captives FREEZE DRIED! What is wrong with you people! We're not coffee beans for pete's sake! I swear, you're all NUTS! Here's the spiel:

Through the use of new techniques in freeze dry technology, we can offer a "Loving and Lasting" alternative to burial cremation or traditional taxidermy. Freeze-dry pet preservation creates a lasting memorial and more importantly, preserves your pet in a natural state thereafter, without any alteration in appearance. This allows pet owners to see, touch and hold their pets, and in a sense, "never have to let go." Best of all, freeze-dry pet preservation results in the preservation of your pet's actual, physical body. 

I should not have to tell you how wrong that is! I understand how empty your sad little lives will be without us but get a grip people! Trust me when I tell you that, if that was done to me, I would haunt you until you breathed your last breath and then, I would haunt your family and friends! Assuming, of course, that someone who had freeze dried pets around the house would have any family or friends left. People, when we're gone, let us go. No stuffing, ash preserving, or, for the love of God, no freeze drying! By the way, for those of you who believe you can't put a price on memories, apparently you can!

Pet Preservation Freeze Dry Technology for a 7-10 pound pet is $775.00 (special poses are extra) and, if your captive tips the scales at 10 pounds or more, add a mere $60 per pound! Priceless, really. So, to recap...

You tear us away from our Mamas, bring us to your prison where, if we're lucky, we're held captive for a decade or more. And, when we finally achieve to sweet freedom of death, you pack us in ice and ship us to West Virginia where we're frozen in time, repackage and shipped back to you. Okay. You're all going to Hell. Seriously, straight to Hell. Freeze dried pets! Good grief!

Po

Another Superbowl Sunday

Hello my dear friends. Another Superbowl Sunday has arrived and, as like every Superbowl Sunday since 1994, my beloved Buffalo Bills are spectators. The good news is that they were able to purchase great seats because they didn't have to wait, like most teams, for the outcome of the season. They were able to purchase their tickets back in November! So at least they'll enjoy the game. I, on the other paw, will just do what comes naturally, cheer against the patriots. Enjoy the day people. We'll get 'em next year.....
Go Giants!
Po

What's with all these Gnomes!

Hello my dear friends. I was strolling through the prison today and this place is full of gnomes! I don't know exactly when they migrated from the garden, where they belong, to the prison but they're everywhere! I did a quick count and there are 37 gnomes in this place. 37 GNOMES! What is that all about? I mean, I know these captors are weird. Everybody knows that. But this is really over the top. Who has 37 gnomes in their house? Who has any gnomes in their house? We were all concerned when the captors starting accosting celebrities with that damn gnome. Check this out...

How many of these folks can you identify? That's not even all of them. It's a strange hobby indeed but it does keep them out of trouble. The only celebrity to ever refuse to pose with the gnome (a bit of gnome trivia for you) was Charo. Seriously, Charo. I know, we're still laughing about it too!
Po

Lighten Up, Right?

Hi everyone. It's me, Anya. I've had a rough few days. First there was the Fun Mama scare. She's fine but when Aunt Hand was here taking care of us she put me out and almost left me there! That's right, I'm outside waiting at the back door when I hear the side door open and close. I had to run to the gate and shout "Hey, you forgot the dog"! Good thing I caught her. I could have been out there for hours and, as you may have heard, we have a skunk issue here. Anyway, crisis averted. Then today I was lying on my pillow munching on some tasty mail that was just sitting on the table when mean Mama walked in and blew a gasket! She mumbled something about taxes and threatened to punch me in the snout! (she didn't) but she bopped me in the head with the mail and called me the "worst dog ever". Worst dog ever? I don't think so! First of all, that mail had been sitting on the table for three days so they clearly were not going to eat it. I saw a movie once where the dog ate the people! I'm thinking that was probably the worst dog ever. Would the worst dog ever have their own bed at Grandma's house. I don't think so. Would the worst dog ever have this cool stuffed thing...

Again, I don't think so. Or, would the worst dog ever have their own Yankees Championship Hat?

I doubt it. My point is, I got skunked, forgotten outside and punished for chewing on some mail that, may I remind you, was just sitting there. My life is not easy. Poor me, right? Poor freakin me.
Anya