If A Cellphone Rings in the Woods...

Hello My Dear Friends! The calendar says it's time to pull out my summer furniture but the weather seems to be saying 'not so fast'. Well, you know what they say, June showers bring fall weddings, or something like that. Anyway, I've spent the better part of the morning watching the rain and contemplating life and this world you people are so epically screwing up!  For instance, if a cellphone rings in the woods and the NSA isn't listening, is the Government still lying? I'll save you the trouble. Yes, they are.  Have you heard about the newest food craze sweeping America? It's Lion meat. That's right. The King of the Jungle has become human fare. It's perfectly legal. Am I the only one who also finds it perfectly disgusting? Cats are for worshiping, not for snacking! If you're twisted enough to want to give it a try, you can order it from Czimer's Game and Sea Food, Inc. in Homer Glen, Illinois. Gold Bond has just come out with a spray powder. Why? doesn't it take just as much energy to spray with a can as it does to dab with a puff? Why would someone pay $3.99 for 6 ounces of seasoned butter when you can buy a pound of butter, a pound of salt and 8 ounces of oregano for the same price? Are you really to lazy to sprinkle? Whose idea was it to make a hot sauce that's so hot you can't eat it? Why does the U.S. Mint continue to produce nickels when they cost 7.7 cents to make? Have you ever seen a worn out nickel? How many freaking nickels do we really need? Finally, since the catnip is wearing off, why do teams keep signing Tim Tebow? He has a career QB Rating of 75.3. Even Ryan Fitzpatrick, arguable the worst QB ever, has a career rating of 83.3. Last year in the NFL, Tim Tebow threw exactly as many TD passes as I did; zero. Why not just sign me? I'm off to more important tasks. Does anyone want to help me build an ark?
Po