You Know You Suck!

Hello People! When I was a Kitten I believed that there was good in everyone, you just had to look for it. As a full grown Cat, I now know that belief was naive and misguided. The truth is, people suck. The only thing you need to determine is to what degree. So, I have been hard at work creating what I call my Suckitudinal Index. It is a complex equation that leads to a rating of 0-100. I will not bore you with the details. My theory is that all people suck to some degree. The depth and breadth of your Suckitude determines your rating on the Index and, therefore, your place in my world. For example, Kanye West. Factoring in his "antics", his embarrassing obsession with Beyonce, who he married, the fact that he named his offspring North and other variables, he has reached a perfect 100; Total Suckitude! On the other end of the scale, well, there's me. I have given myself an unbiased 5. Even I have my moments! I've broken down your SI rating as follows:
0-20  You have your moments of Suckitude but are generally a good person. When given the choice 'to suck or not to suck' you most often choose the latter. A perfect example of this level, as I said, would be me and most of my clowder. You can move easily through all circles and people generally enjoy your company. You've probably been to my home many times and I always look forward to seeing you. Even when you suck, I like you.
11-35 You have more than your share of moments but, when push comes to shove, you usually do the right thing. You can be annoying but I don't actually cringe when I see you coming. You've been known to invite yourself along. When you go to dinner with a group of people, you're the one that always insists on separate checks. You're in that gray zone. You kind of suck.
36-60 There is definitely cringing going on. Your favorite topic of conversation is other people and you 'hate' everyone. Nothing ever works out for you and, more importantly, nothing is ever your fault. You've never picked up a check in your life. You make more people count to ten than a pre-school teacher. You change jobs frequently because 'you got screwed". You really suck.
61-85 People gather their belongings when you're around. You usually show up to events alone and glom on to the first person who inadvertently makes eye contact. You're always on the verge of greatness and your favorite topic of conversation is always you. Funny, you never seem to get ahead. You stand in line for free turkeys even though you have plenty of money. If you saw someone drop money, you would keep it and then brag about it later. People with this level of Suckitude are often confused with douchebags but douchebags actually have more class. You soooo Suck!
86-100 You believe the world revolves around you, while the rest of us hope that world falls off it's axis and lands on your head. You do nothing that doesn't benefit you first and foremost. If your mouth is moving, you're probably lying and you call everyone dude. Your SI rating is higher than your IQ. You interrupt people's conversations to impart your vulgarity laced wisdom on them. You ask people how much money they make. You leave your dog outside all winter. You think every girl/guy wants you but you're too good for them. That's apparently why you're always alone. You have achieved full and perfect Suckitude!
So there you have it. The Suckitudinal Index. I know you've already assigned someone you know to each of the categories above. If you're on the fence with someone, co-workers get an additional 5 points if, when they talk, the whole office can hear them! You can also add points for things like spitting in public, ending conversations with "whatever", always taking up two parking spaces, never having any cash, wearing pajama bottoms in public and, by all means, bad-mouthing the Buffalo Bills! I, personally, can no longer tolerate anyone over a 35. Life is just too short for that nonsense.
Sway