You Just Ate What?

Hello my dear friends. I just caught the captor eating a peanut butter and pickle sandwich! I said to her (yes, we communicate. Don't judge me!) I said "what the hell are you eating"? Apparently peanut butter and sweet pickles was a childhood favorite of the captor. Maybe it's because the Great New York State Fair is underway, serving such  tasty treats as deep fried banana and fluff sandwiches and hot dogs served on glazed doughnuts, that made the captor nostalgic.  It got me to thinking about some of the crap that you people eat! Let's start with the egg. Have you ever wondered about the first person to pick up an egg and say "I just found this under a chicken. Let's eat it". How about seafood? I can understand eating fish, I, myself, enjoy a nice tuna florentine, but who decided to suck the insides out of a clam? How about squid? These are not things that appear to be appetizing. It brought me back to the Beijing Olympics. During the "fluff" pieces they're so fond of showing, the focused on a roadside stand that was selling deep fried scorpions on a stick. They called it a delicacy and American tourists where lined up around the block to give it a try. I couldn't help but notice that not a single native was ever in line.  I guess maybe it was the price that kept them away and not the fact that a bunch of Goobers were paying good money to eat poisonous spiders! People in Central New York gladly stand in line for an over-priced cup of boiled potatos. (They call them salt potatos). They also eat these scary white hot dogs called Coneys. Yuk! Who, exactly, decides which greens are vegetables and which are weeds? I guess it's all based on taste but it's the adventurer, the initial taster that really makes me wonder. Who would volunteer to be the first to snap the head off a crawfish and suck out what's inside? I pretty sure that's a southern thing. The captor tells a story about a trip to Florida many (many) years ago, during spring break. She and some friends went into a restaurant and asked if they had chicken wings (they're native Buffalonians). The shocked waitress exclaimed "Just the wings"! I guess it was pretty funny at the time. Anyway, my point is, just because someone says it's okay to eat something doesn't mean that you should actually eat it. Those days when Mom used to say "try it before you say you don't like it" are long gone. Think about that the next time you find yourself waiting in line for deep fried spiders!
Po

Anatomy of an Idiot

Hello my dear friends. Today I would like to discuss what I believe makes an "idiot" and why it appears to be becoming so popular. Now, by definition, an idiot is a "mentally deficient person" or "an utterly foolish or senseless person". In reality, we are surrounded by idiots who are neither mentally deficient nor noticeably foolish, until they speak. They may not meet the technical definition of an idiot but they are, without a doubt, an idiot. The obvious first example of not being deemed an idiot until one speaks would be 6 term Missouri Congressman and Senate Candidate Todd Akin. His "legitimate rape" comments certainly qualify him as an idiot. There's no denying that. But what makes a seemingly intelligent person expose their inner idiot? I mean, the fine people of Missouri elected this guy SIX TIMES. He was the front runner in the Senate race until he decided to share his insight on female reproductive control during "legitimate rape".  Akin has a degree in management engineering and a Master of Divinity degree from Covenant Theological Seminary. He is a Christian who is firmly opposed to abortion. He has a right to his beliefs. But, no matter how you look at it, he can't honestly believe what he said.I guess I just can't wrap my head around how someone, even in the heat of the moment, could say something like that. Even if he does believe it, why on earth would you say it out loud? He has apologized and said he misspoke but that doesn't really matter. You can't put your inner idiot back in the bottle any more than you can get toothpaste back in the tube. Once it's out, it's out for good.  Dan Quayle was labeled an idiot because he misspelled the word "potato". Joe Biden introduced a paralyzed American Veteran at a fundraiser and told him to "stand up". The candidate Barak Obama told a crowd that he'd already visited 57 states and still had one to go! I know, the latter examples don't reach the level of idiot as the former but, my point is, people say really stupid things, even seemingly intelligent people. Normally, a ridiculous statement like Akin's would be dismissed in a day but, with the elections right around the corner, we're going to have to endure "the statement" and all of the idiots who latch on to it, for another 80+ days. Good Grief!
Po

Forgive Me Father, For I Have Bolt Cutters!

Hello my dear friends. I think we can all agree that National Security should always be a top priority in this country. Our safety and our freedom depends on it. So, imagine my surprise when I read about the 82-year old nun and her two friends (ages 51 & 63) who waltzed into the Y-12 National Security Complex over the weekend. In case you're not familiar with it, the Y-12 is the "most secure nuclear operations facility in the world"! Think about that for a moment. Y-12 maintains the "safety, security and effectiveness" of the US nuclear stockpile. It also supplies nuclear power to the US Navy. Yet, 82-year old Sister Megean Rice, and friends, used bolt cutters to get through a security fence and, with lights flashing and alarms sounding, made their way into a "highly secured" area where they spray painted anti-nuke statements and hung banners. They were found TWO HOURS LATER sitting in the dark...SINGING! They were "promptly" arrested. LOL! Thank God it was an angry NUN and not an angry terrorist! They house enriched uranium and nuclear weapons there! Don't lose any sleep over this my friends. The National Nuclear Security Administration's Production Office, who is in charge of security there, says the intruders were "not really close" to the nukes. That's an interesting statement since they immediately CLOSED the facility (it's still closed) and moved all of the "special nuclear material" to vaults at the facility. Apparently they were keeping it in cupboard or something before the breach.  Also, the NNSA says security personnel will be undergoing training and "refresher instruction". YA THINK! Refresher instruction? You mean, "Uh, in case you forgot, we don't allow people off the street to wander around secure nuclear facilities and vandalize them". "Oh, by the way, when alarms go off you should really go check on things a little quicker than TWO HOURS"! It's not like they were hiding. They were SINGING! Are you kidding me? The NNSA also said that changes were being made to address "security deficiencies". DEFICIENCIES! An 82 year old Nun busted in! I'd say that's a bit more than a deficiency. The Agency also said that all nuclear materials are in safe, secure storage and that they "remain entirely confident in the security of the Y-12 facilities". Well, that's good enough for me!
Po

A Moment of Brilliance!

Hello my dear friends. Upon learning of this rare moment of brilliance, I just knew I needed to share it with you so we could all start the weekend off feeling better about ourselves. Bask with me, if you will, in the brilliance of this man; a mild mannered lawn dude weed whacking a large hill...

Lawn dude had a big job ahead of him! He was using a gas powered weed whacker so he needed to stash his gas can in a handy place so he could grab a quick fill up when needed. So, in his shinning moment of brilliance, where did he decide to stash his OPEN gas container?

Yup. Right behind the Smoker's Post! Let's hope no one decides to flick their butt or they may flambe their ass! Enjoy the weekend Friends!
Po

Why So Angry, People?

Hello my dear friends. Sometimes you people exhaust me. Why is everyone so angry these days? I have my theories but let me just give you a few examples. 31-year old Na Cola Darcel Franklin was supposed to be married on Saturday. Unfortunately, hours before the ceremony, she and her fiance got into an argument and she stabbed him in the heart, twice. He died. She told the judge she "didn't mean to kill him on purpose".  A man in Texas, angry about being evicted from his apartment, opened fire on a police officer, killing him and an innocent bystander, and wounding 4 others before he was killed by police. A nut in Wisconsin, angry that everyone in American isn't white, shot up a Sikh Temple, killing 6.  Of course there was the tragic shooting in Colorado. It's not about guns people. It's about ANGER. People are so freaking angry these days. Animal cruelty cases have doubled. Road rage, sports rage, economic rage. Geez! We really need to lighten up. I understand that times are tough. They're tough for almost all of us. Why are we taking it out on each other? The captor was shopping today. She tells me that, as she was in the parking lot loading her groceries into the car, a woman pulled up wanting to park in the spot next to her. Her cart was partially in the space and the woman shouted "Hey! Move that cart". The captor looked around at the dozen other parking spaces available (some of them closer to the store than where they were) and said quite nicely "I'll be done in a minute". The woman in the car then blew her horn and again shouted "Move that damn cart!" Now, if you know my captor you know that she is generally civil and polite to strangers until provoked. At this point it is safe to say that the captor felt provoked but, she bit her tongue and continued to put her groceries in the car. Could she have moved the cart? Yes she could have and, had there not been a dozen other options for the woman to park, she would have. That is until the woman became belligerent. As the captor continued to (now slowly) load her car, the angry woman continued to inch into the spot in question until her bumper was right against the captor's cart. The captor turned and glared at the woman (you know that crazed glare she gets) and in a very even tone said "You move one more inch and I'm going to drop to the ground, scream for help and then sue you for every cent your trailer is worth. Now back up". The woman paused for a moment, shouted a stream of F-bomb laced profanity and backed out of the spot. It was then the captor noticed she had two children strapped in the backseat. Charming. Absolutely charming!
Po

How to Treat an American Veteran

Hello my dear friends. I often talk to you about how people, especially those in the "service" industry suck. People are so rude and disrespectful these days that it often takes a really big act of ignorance, a special kind of stupid, to shock me. Well, my friends, hold on to your hats. I recently came across several stories that outline just how awful people can be and they all involved disabled American Veterans!
#1 Staff Sgt. Chad Staples, an Army Ranger who was left paralyzed when he took a bullet protecting a fellow soldier during his second tour in Iraq, was staying at a Texas Best Western. The elevator was out of service so he called the front desk asking for assistance to get down from the 3rd floor. The wheelchair bound Veteran says the front desk clerk, Holly Oyerbides, mocked his disability, laughing and saying "are you kidding"? He was forced to crawl down the stairs! Best Western apologized and refunded his money for his stay. Big freaking deal, right? The "clerk" was not fired. Best Western sucks.
#2 Disabled Army Veteran Jim Stanek was trapped in a nightmare 3 day delay at Dullus International Airport. Stanek suffered a Traumatic Brian Injury during his third tour in Iraq and also suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Stanek, who was travelling with his service dog, says American Airlines staff KICKED his dog, not once but TWICE! Are you kidding me! Then, when Stanek approached the "Service Desk" to request a hotel voucher, the clerk allegedly said, "are you retarded, get back in line". Charming.
#3 It was recently discovered that WWII Veteran Lawrence Davis Jr., was buried by the Florida National Cemetery, in a cardboard box. It seems Mr. Lawrence had no family to see him off so they buried him in the box his remains were sent to the cemetery in. A cardboard box! Such respect! The cemetery claims that they performed a special service before the burial so that did constitute a "dignified burial". I respectfully disagree.
These are just three instances I came across this week. How many hundreds of other examples are out there? Being rude or disrespectful to anyone is wrong. If the person you're disrespecting is disabled, you're a douchebag. If the person you feel justified in mocking is a disabled American Veteran, a person who's disability came while defending our Country, you are sub-human. Companies that tolerate sub-human employees clearly don't care about you, the consumer. If they can treat disabled people that way, what can you expect for yourself? Just something to keep in mind when you're planning to spend your hard earned cash!
Po

Your Tax Dollars In Action-I hope You're Sitting Down!

Hello my dear friends. You work hard. You're a good person. You pay your taxes. Right? I'll bet, once in a while, you wonder where all your hard earned money is going. Well, please sit down because I have a little story to tell you that's going to knock you off your feet. It involves the IRS, Taxpayer Identification Numbers and tax refunds. Taxpayer Identification numbers are generally granted to "Non-Citizens" without social security numbers and are used to file for income tax refunds. According to an investigation conducted by the Treasury Department, IRS investigators have been discouraged from investigating fraud in the filing for these numbers. As a matter of fact, those applying for Taxpayer Identification Numbers were never required to present certified copies of their birth certificate or any other identification. In plain English, they were never required to prove that they were who they said they were. The result? Well, according to the Treasury Department investigation, the inspector general found 154 addresses that were used ONE THOUSAND TIMES OR MORE to register a Taxpayer Identification Number. As a result of that, the inspector general found that 10 of those addresses were used to file 53,994 tax refunds, receiving $84.6 MILLION in tax refunds in 2011 alone! OMG! For instance (yes, this really happened) One Atlanta address was used to file 23,994 refunds and received $46.3 million dollars! The IRS issued 2706 refund checks to a single bank account totaling $7.3 million dollars! IRS officials say agents need more training to spot fraud. You Think? Call me crazy but don't you think even the untrained eye would catch 24 THOUSAND refunds going to one address? I know that in these tough times people do have roommates but 23,993 roommates seems excessive. In 2011, the IRS processed 3 million tax refunds using Taxpayer Identification Numbers, issuing $6.3 BILLION in refunds! They say they have no way of knowing how many of those were fraudulent. It would be funny if it weren't so damn upsetting. You have to wonder how these people can even see the paperwork with their heads so cleared jammed up their butts!
Po

Another Reason to Avoid New Jersey

Hello my dear friends. Travelling is so much fun these days. Happy, friendly people bustling through safe, clean and cheerful airports. Just the thought of it leaves me all atingle! So, imagine my surprise when I heard about the little glitch at Newark International Airport this weekend. Newark, as you may recall, is the same airport that had to fire 7 TSA agents last year for sleeping on the job. Thank goodness they weeded out those bad seeds! On Sunday, Newark's crack TSA team discovered a bag and a passenger that tested positive for "explosives residue"! Wow! Nice catch, right? WRONG. It seems those same crack TSA agents who discovered the passenger and the bag promptly lost track of both and had to shut down the entire airport! It gets better. By the time they realized what they had done, passenger zero had already boarded her plane and was on her way to Cleveland. She, who was never identified, arrived in Cleveland unchecked, and departed the airport before TSA agents there even knew what was going on!. She hasn't been seen since. There was a two and a half hour search for the bag, which eventually made it's way to the tarmac where it sat for 45 minutes before anyone noticed it. It then took hours to clear the bag before the airport could be reopened. So, a hundred flights were cancelled, dozens delayed, thousands of passengers forced to wait in lines for hours to be re-screened before they were allowed to search for an alternate way out of New Jersey! Sounds like a wonderful Sunday afternoon to me! This is the same airport where my captor was left stranded during a storm. That would seem unavoidable except for the fact that the airport told the airline they could land, even though the airport was closed. Thus leaving the unknowing passengers with no where to go. So my friends, heed my advice. When you book your next trip, even if it costs you more, don't use an airline that stops in Newark. You may never get out.
Po

Supremacy? Seriously?

Hello my dear friends. Our thoughts and prayers are with the victims of the tragic shooting at the Wisconsin Sikh Temple. Another example of that frightening mix of ignorance and arrogance. The shooter, a self proclaimed white supremacist, apparently wanted to kill innocent Muslims, not Sikhs, but lacked the intelligence to know the difference. That's the problem with hate groups. There is no IQ test required to join. This shooter, who performed in bands called End Apathy and Definite Hate, sang songs of hate and death. The Southern Poverty Law Center, who tracks hate groups, knew who he was. He'd been on their radar for nearly a decade. Yes, he was a military veteran. He never saw combat and was dishonorably discharged. The military says he had a drinking problem. So, we have a drunken loser, filled with hate, who thinks he's actually better than other people by virtue of his race. The question with this guy was when, not if. Reports say he wanted to kill Muslims and people from the Middle East. Well, he was 0-for-2. It strikes me as odd that these so called "white supremacists" and "neo-nazis" are generally the last person you would choose to represent you. They're not even smart enough to know who they're hating. They claim to be defending the white race when, in fact, they are the ones we all need protection from. Ironic, isn't it? So now we will call this animal a "domestic terrorist" because he finally acted on the hate he's been spewing for the last 12 years. Had we labeled him, and his band of lunatics, domestic terrorists prior to this attack, perhaps the good people of Wisconsin wouldn't be mourning today. When are we going to put the smackdown on these hate groups? We allow them to organize, recruit, amass weapons and spew their ignorance at will under the guise of the First Amendment. Not until they act on their hate do we respond. And, amazingly, our response is shock. We are shocked that someone, who dedicates his life to preaching the destruction of all minorities, actually kills someone. Seriously? His family is shocked! Really? We don't need more gun control. We need more hate control. Obviously we can't control how people feel, but we can certainly restrict their ability to parade their hate in the streets. If we don't rein in these ever-growing hate groups we'll be having this conversation again, and again, and again.
Po

PO'ed at Taco Bell

Hello people. I assume by now you've heard about the "Taco Bell Mystery" involving the employee who appeared to be urinating on a plate of nachos. Charming. The company claims, after an in depth investigation, that it was a prank, the "urine" was actually soda and that the food was never going to be served. While I do believe that to be true (I'm pretty sure even the biggest moron would be aware that their nachos had just been urinated on) what followed was, well, a bit odd. First, in my humble opinion, the biggest Taco Bell Mystery is why you would be eating there in the first place. But that's just me. Taco Bell says the employee who put the "prank" on the internet was been suspended and will be fired. Duh! They also say anyone else deemed to be involved will be removed. Yup. It happened in Fort Wayne New, Jersey and the Allen County Health department says they will require mandatory education of their staff "somewhere in the near future" where we can "sit down with them and stress the importance of general food safety practices". Huh? You need to sit down "face to face" and explain to (alleged) adults that urinating on people's food is not a safe practice? Perhaps you may also want to mention that sticking your feet in the lettuce (Burger King Mystery) is a bad idea too! Whether this latest "prank" was real or fake, whether it was soda or urine, whether it was meant for a customer or not, is irrelevant.  The underlying issue here, once again, is a generation of youth who have absolutely NO respect for their fellow man, no moral compass, no common sense. This isn't a "food safety" issue. I'm pretty sure anyone old enough to hold a job knows that human excrement is not a condiment or that inserting your body parts into other people's food is wrong. No. This is a character issue. This is a young man who believed that posting a picture of himself, at work, urinating on an innocent person's food was funny. Well, young man, it's not. One has to wonder what else he thought was funny while working there. What else did he do that wasn't posted on YouTube? How many other charming young men and women are out there preparing our food? As for this future ward of the state, I hope your parents are proud of the "man" they've raised. What a bright future you'll have.
Sway
Here's the photo is you want to be grossed out.

All Aboard the Crazy Train!

Hello my dear friends. Sometimes you people really crack me up!  I believe many of you refer to what I'm doing right now as ROFL. Why? Because you're Chik Fil arious! In case you haven't heard, in which case you live in a cave, The president and COO of the chicken chain, Dan Cathy, said during an interview that "we are very much supportive of the family-the biblical definition of the family unit..." That's all it took for the world to go mad once again! There was, of course, an immediate call for a boycott. Politicians and church leaders jumped out on both sides of the "controversy" and the lines were drawn. Yesterday, thousands of people, many of whom usually care about what they eat, stood in line for hours in the hot sun to purchase a sandwich from the chain they have now decided is on the side of God! LOL! The called it Chik fil a Appreciation Day. It was, by all accounts, the highest grossing day in the history of the chain. Perhaps the Colonel should take a shot at Muslims and see if it increases KFC's bottom line! One reporter called yesterday a "national day of intolerance". Apparently he was aware that EVERY DAY is a national day of intolerance these days. Why? Because, once again, someone (in this case Mr. Cathy) dared to publicly voice his opinion! How dare he! Boycott his business! Ban him from ever doing business again! That man (Mr. Cathy) said something I don't agree with now he needs to be punished! Intolerance indeed. The problem is the intolerance we're dealing with is an ever growing intolerance for the First Amendment. Chik fil a doesn't open on Sunday. They never have. Why? Because of the owners Christian beliefs. Mr. Cathy doesn't not hire gays. He doesn't refuse to serve gays. He voiced his opinion based on his Christian beliefs. Unfortunately, he was under the impression he had a right to do that. Apparently not. Personally, I've never been to a wedding, Gay or Straight, that served chain store chicken so I don't he'll lose too much business. So people, eat chicken or don't eat chicken, it really doesn't matter. If I stopped doing business with every company I disagreed with I'd be Amish! Wait, the Amish work too hard, I'd be...well, I'd be screwed. Oh, by the way, if you read Mr. Cathy's full statement you'll find that he also doesn't believe in divorce or remarriage so get ready all you Exes, there's a chicken boycott in your future!
Po