What Women Want?

Hello my dear friends. According to a new Austin Reed poll women have outlined the qualities they believe make "the perfect man".  2000 women were surveyed and the results are in! Get ready guys...The perfect man must be 6 feet tall with a toned, athletic body, brown eyes, short dark hair and be clean shaven. He must earn about $77,000 a year, want a family, dress stylishly, love shopping, watch soap operas, eat meat and drive an Audi. Also, according to the survey, 86% of women say the perfect man should be sensitive, call his mom regularly and cry during movies. So there you have it. According to the Austin Reed survey, the perfect man is tall, dark and Gay! Good luck ladies!
Po
Here's the complete list of What Women Want:
The Perfect Man

That Must Have Been One Heck of a Duck!

Hello my dear friends. I needed a little catnip to wrap my head around this one. Actor George Clooney threw a little dinner party for the Prez and people paid $40-thousand dollars a plate! I must admit that I do enjoy roast duck on occasion but I can't imagine what you'd have to do to a duck to make it worth 40 grand! It did come with artichoke salad and sweet corn tortellini, all made by Wolfgang Puck, but still, that seems a little pricey to me. I'm not sure if the drinks were included but, imagining the content of the "program" I would think drinks would not only be included but mandatory. Of course it is easy to paint a rosy picture of the state of the country when the poorest person in the room is Jack Black. His call to raise taxes on people who earn more than a million dollars a years was praised by those who actually earn about 30 million a year. Of course half of them probably won't bother paying their taxes anyway. Do you think they buy all of these homes and property overseas for the view? Then you have the "clueless" celebs like Nicholas Cage, Wesley Snipes, Willie Nelson, Ozzie Osborne, Christie Brinkley and a host of others who simply claim they thought "someone else" was paying their taxes. It's that kind of genius that make Hollywood the gleaming example of success it is. Anyway, the rich and clueless got a chance to stand and cheer the Prez when he reiterated that he "thinks same sex couples deserve the same rights and benefits as heterosexual couples". That statement was certainly well timed. You see, pre-sale tickets to his $40K soiree were extremely low until the Prez had his revelation. Sales more than doubled Thursday night. What a coincidence! Don't get me wrong, it was a cool thing to say. It doesn't actually change anything except to give the haters new energy. I would have preferred that he call for the repeal of DOMA (Bill Clinton's gift to gays) but you can't have everything. Anyway, take the private plane to LA, feast on roast duckling, hobnob with Hollywood's leftist elite to discuss what's best for the rest of us and then walk away with $15 million in your pocket. Sounds like a pretty good evening to me. Sorry I missed it.
Po

Stop Now, Before It's Too Late!

Hello People. Yes, my beauty boggles the mind! Let's move on. Sometimes you humans make me so angry! I realize that the 21st century brought with it the need to be famous. I realize that Reality TV is inexplicably "all the rage". But, so help me, if I hear one more word about this frickin' "Tan Lady" I'm going to cut someone! Are your little human lives so boring, so vanilla, that you need to hear about this woman to fill the void? I realize that she is the mother of the first child in American history EVER to get a sunburn. That is clearly news worthy. I mean it's not every day that a fair haired child just turns red, in the sun, on a 90 degree day. There had to be more to it! After all, her mother is addicted to tanning. So it must have been child abuse! And, may I add, the absolute worst case of child abuse EVER! It must have been. Why else would we still be hearing about it weeks later. It's not like there are other children out there being abused. Certainly not in such a brutal manner as this or we would have heard about it, right? Heck, now there's even an Action Figure Doll! Seriously! I wish I was making this up. STOP IT ALREADY!

I think you get my point. Moving on. This spectacle gave us two new words to contemplate, "Tanorexic" and "Tanaholic", but more importantly I believe it crossed a line into the final frontier of doom. Yesterday and today on network news programs I heard "journalists" (I put that in quotes for a reason) Making Fun of This Woman! Now, you say, 'so what', 'she deserves it'. I say I saw a "journalist" on national TV laughing and making fun of a private citizen accused of abusing her child. Excuse me if I didn't get the memo, but when did that become okay? Is there no sense of decorum anywhere any more? If this woman wants to tan herself to death, let her. If there is proof that she is endangering her children (which, by the way, there isn't) then that is a matter for the Family Court NOT the national news. And, if it is "news worthy" then treat it like a news story, not like you're a 12 year old on the playground. People, I don't want to have to tell you this again...Grow Up and Mind Your Manners or, I swear, you're going to feel my paw upside your head and you are NOT going to like it!
Sway

Churchill Downs Mystery

Hello my dear friends. As you may have heard "I'll Have Another" won the 138th Kentucky Derby on Saturday. What you may not have heard is later that night police found the body of a 48-year old Guatemalan man in Barn #8 (not far from where "I'll have Another" was stabled) who had been murdered! Now, the victim hasn't been tied to the race in anyway BUT his 19-year old son does work at the track. Police have declared it a homicide and are still  investigating. The exact cause of death has not been released. Last year following the Derby, the body of jockey Michael Baze was found in a vehicle near the track's stables. They called that death an accidental overdose. Quite a coincidence, wouldn't you say? That's not even the most shocking news! It seems that people actually live in small apartments above some of the barns! And I thought litter box odor was an issue! Yikes! As a matter of fact, at any given time as many as 200 people live at Church Hill Downs. Some live in dorms on the edge of the property and some in those upper barn apartment. Who knew? I don't think I would want to live above a barn full of horses in Kentucky. Well, I wouldn't want to live in a barn above horses anywhere but especially in Kentucky. Anyway, we'll have to wait for more details before we can unravel the mystery of the latest post-derby death at Church Hill Downs.
Po

Butterfly Attack!

Hello my dear friends. Well, how about those butterflies! In case you haven't heard, a portion of Central New York was swarmed by butterflies yesterday! Apparently they made a stop in Syracuse on their annual migration between Mexico and Canada. Much like illegal aliens do! Anyway, the butterflies didn't stop to pick fruit or anything, they just went about the butterfly business but they did create quite a stir! They were Red Admiral Butterflies so, pretty high ranking in the Butterfly Brigade! Individually, they look pretty nice.

But, by the hundreds, not so much. And, by the way, when they splatter on your windshield it's not pretty. Not at all. Anyway, they're gone now. It was apparently just a day trip or a port of call. Perhaps they'll return again next year. I know the Frickin' Canadian Geese can't get enough of this area! We'll have to wait and wonder. Will the Red Admiral Butterfly be like the Canadian Geese and return every year or will they be like manufacturing jobs and disappear for good.
Po

OMG! It's Attempted Stupicide!

Hello my dear friends. As you know, along with my 3 fellow feline captives, we also have a dog. A big, dumb, lovable dog. Early Tuesday morning, about 2am, we were all jolted out of our peaceful sleep by the sound of panic! It turns out that Anya, or Hundred Pounds of Stupid as we call her, was frightened by some thunder. None of us even heard it. In a failed attempt to escape said thunder she managed to twist her big empty head around and lodge it against her rather large body, between the wall and the bed. What a sight! Of course, when she realized she was stuck, she began to panic. The captors jumped up and moved the bed, freeing the big, dumb dog, who then preceded to faint! Now, were not sure if she actually cut off her air supply and passed out or if she got herself so worked up that she fainted. Either way, she hit the ground like a sack of wet sand. THUD! The captors, thinking the big dumb dog was dead, dropped to their knees and began shaking her saying "Anya, Anya, are you okay"; "Oh my God, is she breathing"? She was. I remind you now that it was 2am. Hundred Pounds of Stupid got up, coughed a few times, walked into the hallway and laid back down. I, personally, laughed my furry tail off. I may have even peed a little! Seriously, entertainment at it's finest. The captor's didn't seem to see the humor in it at the time. They're laughing about it now. Let this be a lesson to you people! First, know your size. Don't squeeze into things that don't fit. This is especially true for summer wardrobes. Second, Stupidity Kills! Please don't be stupid. I know, that's a lot to ask. We given this behavior a name. When your stupid actions lead to your own demise...it's Stupicide! Luckily, Anya's attempt was unsuccessful. She's fine and, in case you're wondering, the bed has been moved to avoid a second attempt!
Dogs! They're not just for protection anymore!
Po
Po

Why People Suck - Part I

Hello my dear friends. As people, you must be aware that many of you, well, suck. As the Queen of all Kittydom, I feel it is my duty to point that out to you on occasion. The "Occupy People" are at it again. In a desperate attempt to remain relevant, a few hundred people nationwide, decided to use today to protest the fact that, after all that has happened over the past few years, they remain losers. They are marking the "International Worker's Holiday" angle of May Day. Not the "Dance around the Maypole" to celebrate spring option. 99% orfthe 99%-ers out there today don't actually know what they are protesting or why today was chosen. They are just seizing the opportunity to disrupt local businesses, cause traffic jams and generally piss people off. What fun! Don't get me wrong. Protesting injustice is good. It's the American way. Congregating in an attempt to stop people from going to work because you don't have a job is asinine. These people suck. Smiling for the cameras, stating that your taxes aren't high enough (Warren Buffet) when your company owes a BILLION DOLLARS in back taxes is a tad hypocritical. Warren Buffet sucks. Being a professional athlete is a privilege. The following professional athletes suck. Detroit Tiger Delmon Young was arrested in New York last week for a drunken anti-Semetic rant against a homeless man. New York Knick Amare Stoudemire, after the Knicks' game 2 loss to Miami, punched a fire extinguisher case and sliced his hand open. He won't be playing in game 3. LA Laker Metta World Peace, not just for his name, but because he was suspended yet again for his unsportsmanlike behavior. Finally, celebrities who endorse products you just know they don't use. I mean come on, does anyone really think that Eva Longoria colors her own hair with a box of loreal she bought at a drug store? When do you think was the last time Jay Leno was at the Burger King drive-thru? How many of those B-List celebrities do you think buy gold through the mail? I think you'll agree that all of these people suck. They are, unfortunately, just a small, small sample of a much bigger group. Thank goodness none of us are like those people!
Po