What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

People, People, People. Every day, somewhere in this great Country, there are always a handful of you that make me stop and scratch my head. Case on point: A couple in Powder Springs, Georgia, is opening an indoor shooting range with a full service bar, serving alcohol to it's patrons! What could possibly go wrong? The owners of this new establishment say, basically, Georgia law already allows gun owners to carry their weapons, concealed or otherwise, into restaurants that serve alcohol so, 'what's the big deal'? What, indeed.
Next we learn that the New York City Department of Education has been stocking nurse's offices at 13 city high schools with the Plan B "morning after" birth control pill. It's handed out, free of charge, to students 14 and older, no parental permission needed. What could possibly go wrong? It's not like it will lead to more unprotected sex and a possible explosion of STDs or HIV. Why waste time with condoms (also provided free of charge) when you can pop a pill the next day.Hey, they're kids, they make mistakes. Problem solved.
Did you know that this drought has driven up the cost of feed corn so much that farmers have turned to an alternative. Yup. Candy Corn. The same stuff you sprinkle on your Halloween cupcakes, cows are now eating for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Feed corn just turns to sugar after they eat it anyway. What could possibly go wrong? I wonder what the affect on the human body will be after, you know, eating cows on a perpetual sugar high. Probably nothing. Hey, the growth hormones didn't kill us, did they?
After the Seattle Seahawks upset the Green Bay Packers last night on a much disputed final call by the replacement refs, Wisconsin State Senator (D) Jon Erpenbach Tweeted NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell's phone number. What could possibly go wrong with that?  Erpenbach is, by the way, one of 14 Democratic senators who fled to Illinois for three weeks last year to avoid voting on their Governor's proposal to fight that state's Public Employees Union. I guess some unions are scarier than others.
Po

Too Fat to Die and Other Stuff

Hello my dear friends! Several stories in the news this week have caught my attention. First, the Cranston, Rhode Island School district has banned the annual Father-Daughter Dance because it is apparently against the law. Turns out that it's a violation of the State's gender discrimination law. How do we know this? ONE single mother complained that her daughter couldn't go. So it stands to reason that you would prevent the entire school district from taking part. It would have just been silly to have her mother, an uncle or family friend bring her. It makes far more sense to prevent all girls in the district from spending quality time with their fathers knowing one girl didn't have a father. I assume only one girl in the district is fatherless since she was the only one who sued. Good job Cranston. You get it. You really get it!
Next, from the great State of Ohio, 53-year old death row inmate Ronald Post, is suing to prevent his execution saying, because he weighs over 480 pounds, his execution would amount to "a torturous and lingering death". Yup. So what's the problem? Well, Post says because of his weight, the execution gurney probably won't hold him so, with his weight, vein access, scar tissue, depression and other medical issues, executing him would be problematic. I, for one, am willing to risk it. Post says, because of all this, he should be allowed to live. 30-years ago Mr. Post robbed a motel and shot the clerk to death. She was an older woman who he shot twice in the back of the head. Hey Ohio! If the gurney won't hold him, roll him in and why worry about vein access or scar tissue? Shoot him! Case closed, right?
Finally, Mitt Romney is facing fierce criticism after a "secret tape" showed him saying that 47% of people supporting Obama will vote for him no matter what. Here's a piece:
“these are people who pay no income tax,” but they are people “who are dependent upon government, who believe that they are victims, who believe the government has a responsibility to care for them, who believe that they are entitled to health care, to food, to housing, to you-name-it.”
Well, I am shocked! Only 47%? I would have thought that number was much higher. No wonder people are angry. 
Po

Peanut, Wingnut, Is this What We've Become?

Hello my dear friends. We often speak of political correctness run amok. I really thought I had gotten to a point where nothing you people do or say would surprise me. I was wrong. Verenice Gutierrez, a school administrator in Portland, Oregon, says Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches have "Racial Connotations". Yup. Those racist PB&Js! It seems Ms. Gutierrez, a Principal at a K-8 school, took offense to a teacher using a peanut butter and jelly sandwich as an example in a math problem. She called the PB&J example "problematic and discriminatory" saying "what about Somali or Hispanic students who don't eat sandwiches"?  LOL! You can't make this stuff up. Apparently talking about food that some people don't eat is racist. Who knew? Fear not people. There is a solution. The schools are now integrating the "Courageous Conversation". This, according to Gutierrez, will help educators understand (I'm quoting here, I swear) ""their own white privilege". They can then use this knowledge to promote minority student's performance.This particular school district, by the way, is 50% Hispanic; 15% Black; 9% Asian and 7% Native American. One way they are doing this is by using lunchtime to host a drum class for Black and Hispanic boys only. Apparently "Minority" has a different definition in Oregon. When questioned about this popular program that excludes girls, Whites, Asians and Native Americans, Gutierrez replied (another direct quote, I swear) "When White people do it, it's not a problem, but if it's for kids of color, then it's a problem? Break it down for me. That's your white privilege and your whiteness".  Okey Dokey. I guess that explains that. I believe we're all better people for learning this. What would have happened if that math teacher had used a Fluffer Nutter instead of PB&J? All that additional whiteness! Good Gracious. It would have been pandemonium! So remember this people, you are not to discuss any type of food that is not eaten and accepted world wide or you are a racist. I believe that leaves celery on the approved food discussion list. Feel free to discuss.
Po

Never Forget but also Remember

Hello my dear friends. Today I write with a heavy heart. The events of September 11, 2001 are as fresh in my mind today as they were 11 years ago. We will never forget the tragedy that took place in New York, Pennsylvania and Washington D.C.  So many lives cut short. So many brave men and women lost. First responders, yes, but also average, every day men and women who ignored the danger and fought to save the lives of people they did not know. So much loss. So much destruction. Why? Hate. Young men, terrorists, filled with anger and hate. That is why, on this day, it is important to "Never Forget" the tragedy that took place but it is also important to remember what brought it all about. Blind hate. Nothing good, nothing positive, ever comes from hate. So on this Day of Remembrance, this Day of Service, let's also make this a day free from hate. One heart at a time. Let's all let go of past grievances, anger, bitterness and estrangement, knowing as we do that life is far too short. To the Fathers, Mothers, Sons, Daughters, Brothers and Sisters that we're lost to hate on that fateful day, may you rest in peace. To all of those who lost loved ones and friends, may you find peace. For the rest of us, use today to reach out to someone we've separated from, for whatever reason, and make peace. Let's vow to eliminate hate, one heart at a time, starting with our own. God Bless America.
Po

Enough Sheeple! Go Away!

Hello my dear friends. I'm about to insult a number of you so, let me just say in advance, good. That is my intention. I have always known that this world was filled with Sheeple (a combination or "portmanteau" of 'sheep' and 'people' referring to those, who like herd animals, just blindly follow along). This has never been more apparent since the advent of Facebook. We have discussed this before but, apparently, you weren't listening. Now, I have finally reached the end of my rope. So here, my dear friends, is an open letter to the Sheeple of Facebook. If you feel this refers to you and you are offended by it, please, by all means, un-friend me, block me, delete this blog from your updates. Do us both a favor and let's part ways.

Dear Sheeple,
Spending hours each day "sharing" Facebook chain mails with cute, endearing, spiritual or God help us all POLITICAL messages is a waste of your time and, more importantly, MINE! Aside from the fact that these "messages" are created by marketing firms to collect personal data and on-line trends, they are nonsense! If you feel the need "click and share" so your "friends" know you love your children, your parents, Jesus, your pets or anything else, you REALLY need better friends. I have tolerated your constant need to let me, and everyone else, know that you are capable of reading other people's clever remarks, while adding your own clever "LOL" before passing it along. Now, with this new flood of political commentary, I have to put my paw down. Enough is enough! Let me say that if you really feel you have some unique political insight that would help me make an informed decision on November 7th then please, share it with me. I would love to hear it. Maybe we could discuss it. But, and this is a BIG but, if the extent of your political insight is "sharing" another anonymous Facebook chain mail "poster" (the vast majority of which are bullcheese) then please take me off your friend list. There's a 99.9% chance that we are not friends anyway. Let me offer an example of what pushed me over the edge. The other day I was scrolling through my page to see what my friends were up to. After deleting 27 (yes 27) political posts (and promptly blocking the people who posted them) I came across one that really ticked me off. It listed the "accomplishments" of the current administration and called for four more years. Someone had commented on the post that is was, in fact, factually incorrect. That was followed by a barrage of comments attacking the person as a "hater" a "moron" and a "right wing freak". One person posted "these are the facts, if you disagree then back up your opinion with facts and NOT something you heard on Fox News". The original post said the national debt was $1.6 trillion dollars. Anyone who has even seen a newspaper in the last four years knows that's incorrect. But this is what I took from the whole exchange. The original poster "shared" something he knew nothing about, claiming it was FACT because, well, he read it on Facebook. He challenged the dissenter to dispute his Facebook post, but not with anything he'd heard on the NEWS. Really? In closing (yes, I'm almost done and, if you're still reading this I assume you agree with me) when someone posts one of these political chain mails with the comment "this says it all" I'd like you to inform that person that they are correct. I says all we need to know about you. It says:
#1  You'd like to participate in the political discussion but you aren't smart enough to do so on your own.
#2  You're too lazy to do your own research and, in turn, form your own opinions
#3  You are one of the Sheeple and therefore have nothing original to offer.
There. I'm done. Block me, un-friend me, bash me on twitter. Just please, GO AWAY!
Much Love,
Po

"Ain't"; Seriously?

Hello my dear friends. I often speak about how the English language is going to heck. Kids today have no grasp on proper English. I often ask why. Is it our schools? Is it laziness? Do they think it's cute? While I'm sure it's probably a mixture of all of those reasons, it's also something else. It's who we are. Last night, during his speech to the DNC, former President (and Rhodes Scholar) Bill Clinton uttered the phrase "It just ain't so". Seriously, Mr. President? I know it is the goal of every politician to connect with the "common man" but, quite frankly, I prefer our leaders to be a little smarter than the "common man". Obviously, Mr. Clinton knows better. He said this for affect and it was warmly received. I get that. Speaking to a national audience in the vernacular of one who has wheels on their home, is not what I expect from a former President. Especially one as intelligent as Bill Clinton. If we can't count on our leaders to speak properly, there is no hope for the future of our language.  Grammar, spelling and punctuation are becoming a lost art. Spell check has become a major player in it's demise. Have you noticed how often these days the wrong word is used in printed media and television scrolls across the bottom of your screen. My favorite example is when our illustrious local paper ran a headline regarding the "ERIC" Canal. Erie, Eric, whatever. It cleared spell check.  Since the birth of texting and Twitter, grammar and punctuation are non-existent. Without proper punctuation we get signs like "Slow Children Crossing".  What ever happened to capitalization? Capitalization is the difference between "helping your Uncle Jack off a horse" and "helping your uncle jack off a horse". It's important. So people, let's lead by example. Let's resist the urge to say "I be lovin' me some pizza" and go with the more coherent "I love pizza". Try it for a week. Let's see if it catches on!
Po

Why Squirrels SUCK!

Hello people. My captors are very upset today. Why? Because an alleged squirrel offed their pumpkin! That's right. The captors, who are as far removed from farming as Obama is from the Tea Party, were attempting to grow their own pumpkins and, although they largely failed, they did have one little guy hanging on. That is until today. During their morning stroll around their "garden" I heard a painful moan, "not the pumpkin"! Yes, the pumpkin. Severed from the vine and dead. Why? Because squirrels are allowed to roam freely through our yards! They torment dogs and cats alike. The dig holes, they make noise and they steal vegetables! SQUIRRELS SUCK and they should be eliminated! They are, after all, nothing but rats with good PR. Ask any cat or dog. They will agree with me. Squirrels need to go! So on this Labor Day, as my now sad captors begin preparing for their cookout, I call upon you to join me in my newest campaign, the eradication of squirrels from civilized society! We can do it people. If St. Patrick could banish the snakes from Ireland the Consequella can banish the squirrels from Syracuse! It will be epic, people. I will go down in history! Feel free to begin planning my parade.
Sway
By the way
Pumpkin 5/30/12 to 9-3-12
Died unexpectedly at home. It is survived by tomatoes, peppers, a handful of beans and various herbs and spices. There will be no prior visitation or services. RIP Pumpkin. We barely knew you.

Here we go Again?

Hello my dear friends. It's that time of year again! The special time of when when Buffalo Bills fans anxiously anticipate the start of a new season. A fresh start. A new beginning. This is going to be our year! This excitement generally ends around week four. And, once again, Bills fans like me go through the 5 stages of football. Anticipation, excitement, desperation, disappointment and anger. Around this prison it is strictly forbidden to badmouth the Bills. Everyone is required to wear at least one article of Bills clothing on game day. The Bills flag comes out, joining the Yankees banner. In keeping with Buffalo Bills tradition, people gather here each Sunday. There is food, adult beverages and laughter...until kickoff. There are cheers, usually followed by groans. Laughter usually turns to cursing around halftime. After the game there is rationalizing to keep hope alive. This, traditionally ends around week 5. Stages one and two are complete. This is when rationalizing turns to aggravation. Someone will have to go. My captor usually calls for the coach's head. Followed by the quarterback. A record of 3-2 slowly become 3-6. "We need to win 6 more and hope the Pats fall apart". Stage 3, check.Week 15 and the Bills are 6-9. Stage 4. It's not our year. We had some bad breaks. Injuries have killed us. The playoffs begin, bringing with them stage 5. Bills fans are once again on the outside looking in, hating New England and whomever took the wild card spot. What fun! Why, you ask, do they put themselves through this each and every year? Because they're Bills fans and that's just what you do. Go Bills!
Po