Why Squirrels SUCK!

Hello people. My captors are very upset today. Why? Because an alleged squirrel offed their pumpkin! That's right. The captors, who are as far removed from farming as Obama is from the Tea Party, were attempting to grow their own pumpkins and, although they largely failed, they did have one little guy hanging on. That is until today. During their morning stroll around their "garden" I heard a painful moan, "not the pumpkin"! Yes, the pumpkin. Severed from the vine and dead. Why? Because squirrels are allowed to roam freely through our yards! They torment dogs and cats alike. The dig holes, they make noise and they steal vegetables! SQUIRRELS SUCK and they should be eliminated! They are, after all, nothing but rats with good PR. Ask any cat or dog. They will agree with me. Squirrels need to go! So on this Labor Day, as my now sad captors begin preparing for their cookout, I call upon you to join me in my newest campaign, the eradication of squirrels from civilized society! We can do it people. If St. Patrick could banish the snakes from Ireland the Consequella can banish the squirrels from Syracuse! It will be epic, people. I will go down in history! Feel free to begin planning my parade.
Sway
By the way
Pumpkin 5/30/12 to 9-3-12
Died unexpectedly at home. It is survived by tomatoes, peppers, a handful of beans and various herbs and spices. There will be no prior visitation or services. RIP Pumpkin. We barely knew you.