It's Time For Reader Mail!

Hello My Dear Friends. Let me first say that I am keenly aware that many of you would be adrift in a sea of confusion without my guidance. I accept that responsibility. I feel it is my duty to help you keep your life between the navigational beacons. I also accept the fact that some of you are, well, beyond my help and, quite frankly, beyond my understanding. The following may (or may not) be actual correspondence I've received from some of you. I felt the need to share your thoughts and my responses with the class...
Dear PoKitty,
You really have it going on. Have you ever thought of running for office? You'd get my vote!
Your fan,
Debbie

Dear Debbie,
I appreciate your kind words. No, I have never considered running for public office because I am a cat and that would be silly. Judging by your willingness to vote for a cat, I'm guessing that your participation in the American Electoral Process benefits no one. Please never vote again. Thanks for your e-mail.
Po

Dear PoKitty,
Could you explain to me in one sentence why we should care about what's happening in the middle east?
Sincerely,
Joe

Dear Joe,
No I cannot. Perhaps you should work on increasing your attention span before you tackle something as complicated as world politics.
Po

Dear Po,
If you could change one thing in this world today, what would it be?
Jim

Dear Jim,
I would ban the asking of nonsensical questions.
Po

Dear PoKitty,
If you're so smart, why haven't you figured out a way to escape yet?
Whiskers

Dear Whiskers,
Why do you have such a goofy name? Do you have a captor named Eyelash? To answer your question, I have chosen not to escape as I've been on the outside and it's dirty.
Po

Keep those e-mails coming!
Po
princesspokitty@gmail.com

Delusional Weiners and Other Thoughts

Hello My Dear Friends. Well, Anthony Weiner is at it again! No surprise. You know what they say; Weiners will be weiners. He says he won't drop out of the NYC Mayoral race. His wife says she forgives him and still loves him. My question to you is, which Weiner is more delusional? My money is on her. Her name is Huma Abedin. She did not take his name when they married. Probably because her name would have been Huma Weiner. That's just a guess on my part but I think it's a pretty good one.  Okay, enough weiner talk. I'd like to offer an open letter to weight loss giant Nutrisystem.  Dear Nut, your current advertising campaign is driving me nuts! Please stop saying that your product "leaves you feeling fuller". Fuller is a brush company. The word "full" is an adjective that means "completely filled".  It's finite. One cannot be "fuller". That's like saying one is pregnanter or deader. Dead is dead. Full is full. You want me to trust you with my nutritional needs when you haven't even mastered basic grammar? I don't think so. Next, it's come to my attention that YouTube now has a "crazy cats" channel. Charming. I've got news for you, cats have had a crazy people channel for years. We call it C-SPAN. Check it out some time. Did you know that the world's oldest living man lives in Grand Island, New York? Yup. Salustiano Sanchez-Blazquez is 112. He credits his longevity to eating one banana and taking 6 Anacin tablets every day. I have no joke here. I just think it's cool. Finally, OJ Simpson was back in court today pleading for early release. He's served 5 years of a 33 year sentence. Seems reasonable. He hasn't killed any since 1994 and has apparently be a "model prisoner", whatever that means. He's also been "counseling" other inmates. Probably on tried and true ways to get away with murder. However, in the big scheme of things, if it weren't for OJ, America would never have discovered the Kardashians. As you recall, Robert Kardashian gained his fame as part of the "Dream Team". He is also the one who help OJ's infamous luggage allegedly disappear. And, we can't overlook the persistent rumors that OJ is actually Khloe Kardashian's father. For those reasons alone, he should have gotten life. But, since inflicting morons on the world is not a crime, I say let him serve the full 33.
Po

Now I'm Sold on Obamacare!

Hello My Dear Friends. As I'm sure you know, up until now I have been opposed to the so-called Obamacare Universial Health Care Plan. I thought it was a poorly planned, ridiculously expensive boondoggle of Government nonsense. Apparently I was wrong! As it turns out, the White House has secured the support of such Hollywood elite as Amy Poehler, Kal Penn, Alicia Keys, Oprah, Jon Bon Jovi (who I love) and Jennifer Hudson to explain to us what a great program it actually is! WOW! I guess Kim Kardashian and Eva Longoria were busy. I have to tell you, whenever I'm trying to understand complex Government programs I always look to SNL alum Amy Poehler first. Who doesn't? Let's face it, no one understands the difficulty of paying health insurance premiums like Oprah Winfrey. She's one of us you know. And Kal Penn! (He would be "Kumar" of Harold and Kumar movie fame). If he could find a White Castle after a marathon partying session he could surely help us all understand Obamacare. What a great opportunity for all of us to finally learn how spending an estimated $20,000 per family per year by 2016 (IRS report) for less insurance that we're now paying about #13,700 for (Kaiser Family Foundation)? So bring on the explanation Alicia Keys. I can't wait to hear your insight into the Congressional Budget Office's cost/benefit analysis! Jon Bon Jovi, well I been a huge fan of his forever so I'm not going to slam him except to say get your GED and then we'll talk politics. In the meantime, keep on singing because I love you! Anyway, look for their TV commercials coming your way soon. Be sure to pay close attention to them since you're paying for them. Oh, did I mention that the Government plans to spend $20 million on this little advertising campaign? Good thing they cancelled those costly White House tours! How else would we pay for Jennifer Hudson? Maybe we could cut the Military budget a little more and spring for Taylor Swift! That would really convince America that paying more for less is the right thing to do!
Po

Oh Geraldo...

Hello My Dear Friends! I'm sure by now you've heard of, if not seen, the infamous Geraldo Rivera (semi) nude "selfie" that's gagging people around the world. A "selfie", if you're unaware, is a picture that one snaps of themselves and posts it on line. Like this:

This is a practice usually reserved for teenage girls and self absorbed celebs. Apparently Geraldo thinks he's a celeb! He posted it with the line "70 is the new 50". Um, no it isn't. I'm not going to re-post the picture or even post a link to it because, quite frankly, you can't un-see it and I don't want to be responsible for your nightmares. You're welcome. I tell you all of this because first, I can't close my eyes without seeing it and second, I believe it's another sign of the beginning of the end! Clearly, Geraldo has no shame. If you've followed his career in any way this comes as no surprise to you. The "sign" I see is that we've reached the point where grown people, in this case a senior citizen, have no boundaries. When someone like Rihanna posts a nude photo of herself, we know it's because she can't actually sing but still needs to sell records. She's 25 and beautiful. When someone like Geraldo posts a nude picture of himself, what are we to think? He's 70 and creepy. I have to wonder what it was like for him to walk into work today. All of your coworkers have now seen you naked. For most people, that's a recurring nightmare. For Geraldo, apparently, that's just Saturday night. How can anyone possibly take him seriously now, if in fact anyone took him seriously before. Maybe Geraldo is a bad example of this. Maybe it was just a desperate attempt to remain relevant. We've certainly seen that before. If it was, it was an epic fail! I can see him losing his job over this. I don't know if that's a bad thing or not but, it's got to be a bad thing for him, right? I just don't know how you explain such a thing to your employer. Do you say, "Well, I got out of the shower and thought 'damn I'm hot' I've got to share this with the world".  Or do you say, "Wow, I don't usually drink that much but....". I don't know. Either way, I don't think we've heard the last of the Geraldo Selfie and, I fear, we haven't seen the last of it either!
Po

Baby it's Hot Outside

Hello My Dear Friends! Whew! This heat wave is really starting to get to me. Is it getting to you? Well, I have some good news for you. If there's someone on your "list" who has really been asking for you to plant your paw print squarely on their forehead, now is the time to do it! Why? Because of "heat rage". It's apparently a real thing and, I suspect, a legitimate defense for assault. You see, this extreme heat affects the brain, making tempers short and reactions swift. So, if you look at this unbearable heat as an opportunity to hand out a few overdue paw slaps it's okay. It's not your fault. It's Heat Rage! You better hurry though. The heat is supposed to break on Sunday.  Anyway, I thought I'd send you off on your weekend with a lovely little story about the Mazama Pocket Gopher. Here's the adorable little rodent:

Why are we talking about the Mazama Pocket Gopher? Funny you should ask. Did you know that, over the last several years, the Department of Defense and other Government agencies have spent $400 Million to protect these furry little scamps? Funny story. In Fort Lewis, Washington, the Government has bought up 264,000 acres of land so the little rodents won't be disturbed. At the same time, 10,000 employees of the nearby Joint Base Lewis-McChord were furloughed and forced to take a 20% pay cut because of the budget difficulties. funny, right? Now, in the Government's defense, even though the Mazama Pocket Gopher isn't listed as an endangered species or even a threatened species, it could be, some day. Why wait until the last minute. After all, talk to anyone and they'll tell you that there can't ever be enough rodents around. So I say to heck with civilian employees who serve our military. Gophers are where our tax dollars should be going. Lay off the workers just Save the Gophers. God Bless America! Keep cool people!
Po

I'm Gone for a Week And...

WTF My Dear Friends! I leave you alone for a few days and all heck breaks loose! First, I do apologize for my absence but the captor was away on business and she took my laptop with her. Anyway, where to begin? George Zimmerman should have gone to jail. I know, I know. Several people, smart people who I genuinely respect, disagree with me. Just goes to show you that even those people can be wrong. Attorney General Eric Holder says he will investigate the verdict. LOL! Good luck with that. How are those investigations on Fast and Furious, Benghazi, the IRS, the DOJ and CIA spying and the White House leaks going Eric? Next, Rolling Stone Magazine thought it would be a good idea to put a sexy shot of Dzhokhar Tsarnaev on their next cover. Yup, the alleged Boston Bomber. The text reads "How a popular, promising student was failed by his family, fell into radical Islam and became a monster". This twisted attempt to sell magazines is going to fail, miserably. It will, however, encourage more disturbed people seeking fame to commit horrific acts. Nice job Rolling Stone. The President has nominated Samantha Power to be the next US Ambassador to the United Nations. In case you're not familiar with Ms. Power, she has, in the past, publicly accused the US of committing or supporting Genocide and War Crimes; compared the US to Nazi Germany and called the US a "force of tyranny and oppression". That's certainly who I want representing us to the rest of the world. Also, she was forced to resign as then candidate Obama's foreign policy adviser in 2008 after calling Hillary Clinton a "monster" during an interview in the UK. Charming. Finally, and I don't really know what to do with this, the season premiere of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo" will be a Scratch and Sniff, or Watch and Sniff episode. Yes, I'm serious. You can get your scratch card in this week's People or Us Weekly magazines and, so I've read, scratch and sniff the corresponding numbers as they appear on the screen. Now, if you've ever actually said, while watching that show, "I wonder what that smells like" you are disturbed. Just the thought of this promotion makes me want to shower. So, Please, if you are going to take part in this event, let me know! I want to block you as soon as possible. Thanks!
Po

Could You Put a Head on That?

Hello My Dear Friends. Since tomorrow is a Holiday, I hit the catnip a little early today. A Few things caught my eye this week. First, an Italian doctor, Dr. Sergio Canavero, says head transplants could become reality this century. Head Transplants! Aside from the families of Ted Williams, Walt Disney and whomever else chose to have their head frozen, I have to believe everyone else finds this freaky. First of all, there are some serious decisions that would have to be made. Who decides whose head can be transplanted? If it's based on money (like everything else) would the head of, say, a politician cost more because it's rarely been used? Would celebrities get first pick, like they do with livers? Is the world ready for Joe Biden's head on Justin Bieber's body? I don't think so.  Next, the National Bureau of Economic research says putting a tax on calories would lower obesity rates. Assuming they are aware that a "calorie" is actually a unit of heat that would be impossible to "tax", the suggestion on it's face is ridiculous. Didn't we just learn last week that obesity is a disease? That's what the AMA says. So now we want to tax disease? Yikes! One of their arguments for the tax is that treating obesity and it's related diseases is a drain on the health care system. Really? Because I thought the reason we pay for health care is to cover the cost of treating disease. Apparently not. Of course, this recommendation has nothing to do with health care but it is related to obesity. Government obesity. Our Government has become so obese that all it can do is sit in a corner and eat money. The "calorie tax" they're talking about, by the way, is an additional 25% on any food deemed "unhealthy". Michael Bloomberg must be giddy. I have a better idea. How about a 25% tax on Stupid. That would generate billions of dollars in Washington alone! For instance, did you know that the State Department just spent $630,000 of your money to increase it's "likes" on Facebook? Well, they did. That's the kind of stupid that could be a tax goldmine! Finally, There is a law on the books in Alabama that says it's illegal to own a sex toy unless you have a note from your doctor. It's punishable by a $10,000 fine. I'm thinking we could add a 25% tax to whomever came up with that one!
Po

Because It's The Law!

Hello My Dear Friends! Today is July 1st, the start of a new fiscal year, and you know what that means! Today is the day that all of those new laws, that elected officials worked so diligently to pass throughout the past year, take effect. In the past, we've all chuckled at some of the laws that New York State has on the it's books. For instance, it is illegal to congregate in public with two or more people with each wearing a mask to  disguise your identity, unless it is for the purpose of a masquerade party or other lawful event. Also, the penalty for jumping off a building is death. Did you know that adultery is still a crime in New York? New Yorkers cannot dissolve a marriage for "irreconcilable differences" unless they both agree to it. Anyway, many of today's new laws cover current issues like gun control, privacy concerns and the like, but a few are a little, well, odd. Effective today, workers in Maine must now plant edible landscaping around the Statehouse. I'm guessing this idea arose during a lunch meeting or pot party. "Whoa dude, wouldn't it be awesome if we could just walk outside the office and pick fresh berries and shit".  Effective today, teenagers are New Jersey are prohibited from tanning booths or spray tanning. After six season of Jersey Shore, lawmakers came to the inevitable conclusion that artificial tanning causes brain damage. Can't blame them for that! Snookie, by the way, is outraged. Effective today, Washington State lawmakers continue their multi-year effort to make their state's laws and rules gender neutral. This is not a colossal waste of time and money. This year, for instance, they're changing the term "Ombudsman" to "Ombuds" and the term "watchmen" to "security guards". Just last year they correct the offensive term "Freshman" to "First Year Student". So you can see how important this work is. Finally, and may I say it's about time, people in Kentucky can now drink alcohol on election day! Whew! There is nothing worse than sober rednecks making important decisions. It should be fascinating to see what laws take effect in Kentucky this time next year! Oh, by the way, did you know that in New York it's illegal for a woman (or womyn if you're in Washington) to be on the street wearing "body hugging clothing" but it is legal to go topless in public, provided it is not for financial gain. You just can't make this stuff up.
Po