Bow Before Me Humans!

Hello My Dear Friends! As you should know, today is National Cat Day. Yes, it's a real thing. Today is the day set aside for you, of the lesser species, to admire, appreciate and lavish love upon God's greatest gift to you, CATS! Let me first say that estimates show as many as 4 million cats per year are dumped in shelters and, of those, as many as 2 million a year are put to death. That is shameful. But, I am not here to preach. Not today, anyway. I'm here today to tell you, once again, how you humans are screwing up your lives, my life and the whole damn world. So, on this day, I offer you 5 ways to start righting the ship...
-> 1  Accept the fact that the vast majority of you don't have the sense that God gave, well, a cat. I admire your efforts to round up these people and put them all in one place. Unfortunately, when you sent them to Washington, you gave them power over you. This was and still is your greatest mistake. You must now send them back from whence they came, remove their power and, if given the chance, leave your paw print on their forehead.
-> 2  You will never be able to please everyone. There are just too damn many of you. So, stop trying. Accept the fact that no matter what you do or say, someone will inevitably be offended. I say own your beliefs. If you offend someone you care about, apologize and make it right. If you offend someone you don't know, assume they're oversensitive and probably shouldn't be listening to you in the first place.
-> 3  Learn to freakin' drive! They have 'rules of the road' for a reason people! Enough said.
-> 4  Stop over-sharing! My Friends, a little mystery is a good thing. If I know what you had for breakfast, what you're wearing today and why, and the fact that you have a rash and I'm not married to you, you've shared too much. We can all assume that you love your spouse, parents, children, grandchildren, cousins, friends, captives, neighbors, blah, blah, blah! You don't have to post it on Facebook and dare me to share it. For those of you who believe we need to know where you are at all times, we don't. So, the next time you're poised to share that picture of your dinner, just say no, people. Just say no.
-> 5   It's time to stop the hate people. It does no good, it changes nothing and it benefits no one, especially you. Haters feed off negativity so don't indulge them. When you hear a hater spouting off, simply say "you are entitled to you opinion, regardless of how misguided it is, but I prefer you don't talk like that around me". Don't debate it, don't try to sway them, just walk away. You'll be surprised at how good you'll feel. So, the next time you hear some goober saying "I hate cats", you know what to do! You're welcome.
Po