HELP!

Hello my dear friends. Could someone lend a paw??
Po

The Week in Review

Hello my dear friends. It has been an interesting week indeed. First, I'm happy to say that they've caught the Swan-Egg smashing, drunken moron we spoke of this week. He is a 23-year old Goober from Jamesville. How proud his family must be. Former Vice Presidential Candidate John Edwards is on trail facing charges he violated campaign laws to cover up an affair. Edwards cheated on his dying wife and fathered a child with his mistress. He is a scumbag. There is no question about that. If convicted on all charges he faces up to 30 years in prison. 54-year old Thomas Baker, a registered sex offender, admitted to luring a 9-year old girl into his home to molest her. He had two previous sexual assault cases involving children. He pleaded guilty to a single count and faces 15-years in prison. That sounds right. Justice really is blind and, apparently stupid. President Obama has been touring college campuses. He appeared on Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and did the "slow jamming the news". He did an interview with Rolling Stone Magazine and will appear on the cover. Thank goodness none of this messy economic stuff is interfering with his belated spring break. Vice President Joe Biden was giving a speech at NYU quoted Roosevelt and said "speak softly and carry a big stick, and, I promise you the president has a big stick". I guess that old wives tale is true but how would Biden know? Egyptian lawmakers are reportedly considering the "farewell intercourse law" which would allow husbands in Egypt to have sex with their wives for up to 6 hours after their death. Charming. During a New York Yankees game against the Texas Rangers in Texas, a man jumped in front of a little boy to grab a ball that was tossed into the stands. The ball was being tossed to the little boy and, when the adult jumped his play and grabbed the ball, the boy began to cry. The whole thing was caught on camera and the Yankee announcer, Michael Kay (my personal hero) proceeded to rag on the ball snatcher and his girlfriend for their behavior. They posed for pictures with the ball and started making out, all while the distraught child was sitting next to them bawling. Now, the couple, who claim they were unaware of what was happening, want Michael Kay to apologize to them! Let me take this one for you Michael. "to the couple who was embarrassed by Michael Kay, we all sorry your douchbaggery was caught on camera". Maybe next time you'll act like the adults you purport to be. Enjoy the weekend!
Po

Mad Cow! Seriously?

Hello People! Yes, my beauty is proof there is a God. Let's move on. The USDA found Mad Cow Disease in a California dairy cow. Don't worry though. Officials don't think humans can contract the disease.They say U.S. beef is perfectly safe. Since the USDA inspects less than one percent of the beef we consume, I'm confident in their assessment. Also, I'm a cat and I don't eat cow. You go ahead though, I'm sure it's okay. Just make sure you don't buy any of that pink slim beef. That might be a problem. South Korean retailer have temporarily stopped selling U.S. beef. They're not as confident in the USDA as I am. What do they know anyway. They eat Gaegogi! That's dog meat. I've actually chewed on my dog's ear a few times. She doesn't taste very good at all. I guess it's all in the way you prepare it. Anyway, if the Gubmint says it's safe, it's safe. Why would they lie? Enjoy your lunch!
Sway

Going Green is Making Me Blue!

Hello my dear friends. Every day we are inundated with ways to and reasons why we should "go green". We need to "conserve our resources", "save the planet", "reduce our carbon footprint". I, like many of you, do my best to comply. After years of "doing my part", do you know what I've learned? When they say "go green" they're talking about your money disappearing.  First we replaced our 89 cent light bulbs with the $3 compact fluorescents. That led to the need to buy new lamp shades and covers to fit around the bulbs. The CFs come in different shapes and sizes now, but they came well after the forced conversion. We replaced our old furnace with a 98% efficient model. Now it takes 3 hours to heat the house, so it runs twice as long. To conserve energy we had the house insulated and air sealed, replaced all of the windows with new, energy efficient glass, got a digital thermostat and set the temperature at a steady 66 degrees. (yes, it was cold in here)! As a reward, National Grid tacked a $9 fee on to our bill because we didn't use enough energy. They call it an "adjustment for changes from normal weather". Factoring in all of the improvements we made to conserve energy, it will take us about 100 years to break even. We've also added an energy efficient washing machine. It takes a full hour to do a load and only uses "low suds" dry detergent and bleaches. They cost twice as much and I've yet to see my water bill go down. Don't even get me started on "organic cleaning products". I could go on (and on) but I'm trying to conserve my energy!
Po

Someone Please Grow A Pair!

Hello my dear friends. This weekend, in Manlius, NY, a horrible thing occurred. Someone or maybe several people went to the Manlius Swan Pond sometime late Saturday or early Sunday and took eight swan eggs from the nest of residents Manny and Faye Swan and destroyed them. Why? I can't tell you. The eggs were expected to hatch in Mid May. Some eggs were dropped. They others were thrown against a building. What kind of person does something like that? I'm just heartbroken over it. It's been 8 years since there have been baby swans (cygnets) in the Manlius Swan Pond. Someone knows who did this. There's a $3000 reward for information and that reward keeps growing. So, to whomever is sitting on this information, if common decency wont bring you forward, maybe the cash will. If I were a betting person, I would put my money on drunken morons because several of the eggs were smashed outside of a bar. The person/persons who did this should be punished. I know that the swans can lay more eggs but that is not the issue. This wasn't a joke or harmless prank. Anyone who would do something like this has no conscience, no respect for boundaries and a serious disregard for life. Not exactly someone I would want living next door to me. Would you? So, come on people! Grow a pair, call the police and tell them who did this so justice can be served. Manny and Faye are mourning. They deserve closure even if they wont actually know they've received it. Or will they? You don't know.

Photo by Gary Walts of the Post Standard

Manny and Faye Swan have begun building a new nest and Faye is expected to lay more eggs in the next week or so. The Village of Manlius is building a floating nesting platform in the middle of the pond to keep the "vandals" away. As John Walsh would say, 'let's get these scumbags off the street'.

Po

You Think You're So Smart

Hello my dear friends. We often talk about how the world has gone mad. We discuss how kids today have no clue and how the education system is failing. Well, my friends, I believe I now know why. There is a controversy over a an element of a standardized Reading Comprehension Exam given to 8th graders in New York State. Students were asked to read a short story and answer the questions that followed. Easy enough. The problem is the story and questions that followed were, well, odd. Actually they were determined to be "ambiguous". Please read the short story and answer the questions that follow. In essence, the story went as follows: A pineapple challenges a hare to a race. The animals of the forest believe the pineapple must "have some trick up it's sleeve" that will allow it to win. Blah. blah, blah...and the animals of the forest decide to cheer for the pineapple because they want to back the winner and why would a pineapple challenge a hare to a race if it didn't have some trick to win. The race goes off and the pineapple never moves. The hare wins the race and the animals of the forest eat the pineapple. The "Moral" of the story is "Pineapples don't have sleeves". The questions that follow include Why did the animals eat the pineapple and what would have happened if the animals had cheered for the hare? Here is a link to the story and the questions. Please read. I'll wait....
Pineapple and Hare Story

Okay, now that you're done scratching your head. Let's review a few points. First, this is just another fine example of your tax dollars in action. Second, the passage and questions were reviewed by a "committee of teachers from across the state" and approved.
Spoiler Alert: The "approved" answers to the questions are 6) B; 7) C; 8) D; 9) A; 10) D; 11) C

After reading my story, please complete the questions below.
1) The people who approved this story and it's questions are
a) High
b) Illiterate
c) Comics
d) Goobers
2) The multiple choice answers should have included the option
a) What?
b) Are you high?
c) Is this a joke?
d) Who cares
3) Students who scored below average on this test are
a) Smarter than the people who created it
b) Still confused
c) Future teachers
d) Being deprived of a good education
Answers: 1-3) E - all of the above
Po

Cool New Kitty Game!

Hello people. Yes, my beauty is exceeded only by, well, nothing. Let's move on. I have invented a new kitty game. It drives the captors absolutely nuts! It's even better than "watch me unravel the toilet paper" and "watch me throw all these plastic bags around". I call it "Help! I'm stuck in the tub!" It's very easy to play. There are no rules. You just wait until one of the captors is in the room. Then you jump in the tub, get behind the shower curtain and....

You got it. Pound away. It usually only takes about 30 seconds to get a reaction. Remember, when they pull back the curtain, go instantly into What? mode!

Oh, it's great fun! Have at it captives! Enjoy the weekend!
Sway

Telemarketing Genius!

Hello my dear friends. I'm sure you know how annoying it is to be bothered by a telemarketer. Since the incredible invention of Caller ID on TV that problem has been reduced. Reduced but not eliminated. My problem is that I don't always know if it is a telemarketer or a legitimate business calling. Well one telemarketer has taken the guess work out of it for us! Note the highlighted call below:

LOL! No guesswork there. I can't tell you what they were selling because I (obviously) didn't pick up. I'd like to thank the person or company on the other end of that call. It is really nice to know, before you answer, that you're next in line to be scammed! Genius. Pure Genius!
Po

That Costs How Much?

Hello my dear friends. We're all aware of how quickly the price of everything is going up. Gas is over $4 a gallon and climbing. Coffee has quietly crept to $4.35 a pound. Bread is $4 or more a loaf. Milk is nearly $4 a gallon. It's nuts, right? Heck, nuts are $5 a jar. When prices go up quickly we call it sticker shock. When prices go up steadily we call it inflation. Whatever. The bottom line is that stuff is really expensive now. So, like many of you, I find it important to comparison shop. We do this by reading the little labels stores put below products, giving you the price of the item and the cost per pound. So, imagine my surprise when I saw this...

Yikes! Upon further review I realized that was actually the price of 100 BAGS of chips, not the cost per pound. I have to tell you, that sticker stopped me in my tracks! Not a really great sales technique.
Po

Bill Maher Sucks!

Hello my dear friends. Let me begin by saying that I will defend anyone's right to speak their mind. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. With that said and in my humble opinion, alleged comedian Bill Maher is a menace. In his never ending attempt to remain relevant, Maher weighed into the working Mom verses stay at home Mom controversy, defending Hillary Rosen's ridiculous comment that Ann Romney never worked a day in her life. In doing so, Maher clarified Rosen's statement by saying what she meant was "Ann Romney never got her ass out of the house to work". This whole working mother verses stay at home mother debate is asinine. Saying being a stay at home mom is a luxury for the wealthy is akin to saying that wealthy mom's who work don't care about their kids. Being a mother is the hardest job on earth. No one should be dissing mothers for any reason, especially political gain. You know women can vote now, right? Back to my point. It doesn't take any talent, insight or intelligence to shock people. Any idiot can make headlines by saying something "shocking" or, in Maher's case, something shockingly stupid. He's made a career of it. Let's review. In 2001, about a week after the September 11th attacks Maher said "We have been the cowards, lobbing cruise missiles from 2000 miles away. That's cowardly. Staying in the airplane when it hits the building, say what you want about it, that's not cowardly". Charming. In March 2011 Maher referred to Sara Palin as a "C**T" (vulgar female organ reference) and a "stupid twat". How proud his mother must be. Last week the funny man, responding to Ozzie Guillen's suspension for saying he "loved Castro", said that "the problem with Castro's evil isn't it being minimized, it's being exaggerated". He went on to say, in essence, that the "machos" in Miami should quit their whining. Lovely. He has also made dozens of homophobic "jokes", sharing his hysterical insights on sodomy. What a treasure he is. To summarize, everyone has a right to their opinion and Bill Maher sucks! Thank you.
Po

And They're Off...

Hi Everyone! It's me, Anya. Po was too upset to blog today so I thought I would step in. You see, the problem is we are Sports Orphans! That's right. The captors are big sports fans and, when given the opportunity, they abandon us. Today, Mean Mama is off to the ballpark. Her beloved (Triple-A) Yankees are in town again. It doesn't really matter what division they're in, if they're Yankees, Mama is there. Also, I'm told, Mama will be learning to do some type of announcing, from the stands, at the stadium. I believe it's for a fill-in position. As you may know, early in her career, my Mama was a sports reporter. Anyway, she really just wants to see the game. Some dude named Fransisco Cervelli is there. Tomorrow, both captors are off the New York to watch the New York Knicks play the Miami Heat at Madison Square Garden. That means will have a sitter because they never leave us home alone. I guess they don't trust us. Well, they don't trust they kitties. I, of course, never misbehave.  This abandonment will continue throughout the summer. Then, of course there's football season! If those darn Buffalo Bills don't sell out their games, we will be Mama-less on what we call the non-televised Sundays. Paws crossed for a good Bills season! It's not easy being a Sports Orphan.
Anya

Neither Rain nor Sleet....

Hello my dear friends. You've probably heard about the nationwide protest by Postal Workers trying to stop planned job cuts and service reductions. I have nothing but respect for the men and women of the U.S. Postal service but I also have a few questions. First of all, who's idea was it to call your protest "Save America's Postal Service"? You know the acronym for that is SAPS, right? Anyway, The U.S. Postal Service loses billions of dollars every year. Their union would have you believe that is due entirely on the 'pension pre-funding requirement' established in 2006. That does have something to do with it. That fund currently funds postal service pensions for the next 30 years. When complete, it will fund pensions for 75 years in the future. The problem is that the postal service was required to fund that in just 10 years. Thus, the deficit. One option would be to waive your pensions. (LOL) That would save all of the current jobs and services! What? Not an option? Of course it isn't. Protesters say the currently proposed cuts would lead to 100,00 job cuts, loss of Saturday mail delivery and the end to door-to-door service. Let's take a look at this. Use of the postal service has declined steadily each year. Less mail, less jobs, right? Well, not exactly. Are you familiar with "standby time". You're not? Gee, I wonder why the protesters weren't talking about that. Standby time is the union negotiated practice of paying employees to sit in a room doing nothing when business is slow. You see, union postal workers can't be laid off when business is down. So, they get paid to do nothing. Granted, this is a small portion of their budget problems but it's a start. Did you know that a 2009-2010 audit found that the postal service neglected to cancel nearly 2500 credit cards issued to former employees (53 of whom had died)? They're still trying to recoup the $37 million dollars that was charged on those cards. One postal employee had charged 326 nights lodging in 20 months. I guess you really can't go home again. Another had made 50 charges at adult entertainment establishments. We might want to rethink that whole employee credit card system. As far as ending door-to-door delivery, or charging people for it, the postal service claims it could save billions. According to their own figures, it costs approximately $353 per urban household per year to deliver mail to your door. It would cost approximately $224 per household per year to deliver curbside (not getting out of their truck) or just $160 per-per if they left the mail in a central location (like mail areas in apartment buildings) and you go get it yourself. This begs the question, "how much does getting off your ass cost"? Apparently is costs $125 per house, per year. That's amazing. Now that I have totally pissed off the entire postal workers union (Sorry Donna!), let me answer a few questions you're probably asking yourself. Mail carriers and processing clerks make, on average, $51,000 plus full benefits a year. That's a median salary and the aforementioned pension. They all get 10 paid holidays each year. After 3 years they get 20 paid vacation days and 13 sick days. Not ridiculously excessive but better than most jobs. Anyway, it's all up to Congress now, so rest easy. Congress always does the right thing! Enjoy the Weekend!
Po

It's a "Hand Up" not a "Hand Out", Right?

Hello my dear friends. Everyone needs a little help every now and then. Some people fall on hard times and need a hand. That's what happened to 45-year old Kimball Clark of Roxbury, MA. You see, Mr. Clark, a convicted drug dealer, found himself in a bind. He was in jail with no cash to make bail. No bail money? No problem! Clark called his friend and told him to grab his EBT (welfare) card, hit the ATM and get his bail money. Turns out there is nothing wrong with that! Yup, bail bondsmen and bail money are on the nationally approved list of uses for you Electronic Benefits Transfer card. Isn't that handy! Now, don't get your panties in a twist over your public assistance tax dollars being misused. Using your EBT at liquor stores, casinos and strip clubs is still prohibited. Funny thing though, since you can use your EBT at any ATM to withdrawn cash, there's nothing stopping you from pulling out your public assistance cash at an ATM and spending it any way you like. Can't track cash can you. Here's another funny thing. Citibank EBT Services, a subsidiary of Chicago-based Citigroup, has effectively cornered the EBT market nationwide. Their contract, with New York State alone, will net them about A Billion Dollars over 7 years! It feels good to help people, doesn't it?

Click "Share" if You're a Goober!

Hello my dear friends. Once again, a quick scroll through the Facebook page has left me both annoyed and confused. First of all, whomever is creating all of these "adorable" cat pictures with the grammatically mangled captions, PLEASE STOP! As a cat, I can assure you that I have a firm grasp on your English language. Dare I say, in some cases, my grasp is more firm than many humans. So, please stop depicting my species as illiterate! Adorable, yes. Illiterate, no. It has come to my attention that some people spend all day just posting "cute" little sayings, phrases and "thoughts" on Facebook. Please stop this. This is what bumper stickers and tee shirts are for; to let people know that you have never had a clever or original thought but appreciate people who do. This brings me to my final issue (for today) and that is "Click Share If You...". People, people, people. Trust me when I tell you that I love my mother and she knows it. Everyone who knows me knows it. I don't need to click an information gathering, market tracking Facebook link to prove it and, neither do you. "Click share if you're against child abuse", "Click share if you love your children", "Click share if you love Jesus". Here's my take. All of those translate as follows: Click share if you like pop-up ads. Click share if you like targeted marketing. Click share if you're a Goober! By the way, you can also trust that I will never copy and paste your cause onto my status update. It's not that I don't respect your cause, even though it probably wasn't your cause until someone sent it to you, it's that I don't want to clutter up your Facebook page. If you agree with any or all of this, please share it with your friends
Po

And We're Shocked By This, Right?

Hello my dear friends. I swear, sometimes you humans give me a headache. Will you never learn? Welcome to my new feature "And we're shocked by this"? Here we go...
*The 41 year old California teacher who quit his job and left his family so he could be with the love of his life, an 18 year old student, has done this before! James Hooker has been arrested on sexual assault charges. Not for his current relationship with 18 year old Jordan Powers (which just ended) but for his former relationship with a 17 year old student in 1998. Powers left Hooker when he was arrested saying she "just couldn't trust him anymore".  I'm Shocked! This pedophile has a history! Never saw that coming.
*Florida Marlins coach Ozzie Guillen told reporters that he "love Fidel Castro and respects him for being in power for so long". Once he sobered up, he retracted the statement and apologized. How do I know he was drunk when he said it? Because, in the same interview he also said he "gets drunk at the hotel bar after every game and has been doing so for 25, 28 years. It never changes". The team suspended him for 5 games effective immediately. Regardless, people want him fired! This is America! If you say or do something controversial you should never work again. Color me shocked!
*Mirlande Wilson, the wingnut McDonalds worker in Maryland who claimed to have won the giant Mega Millions jackpot WAS LYING! I am utterly Shocked! Her lawyer declined to comment. Shocked again! I have a feeling we haven't heard the last of Mirlande. Wouldn't that be Shocking!
*Anger is growing over the now infamous 2010 GSA (General Services Administration) convention in Las Vegas that cost taxpayers over $800,000 and featured videos, made by employees (on the clock) joking about wasting money and having taxpayers foot the bill. The Obama Administration, when confronted with this blatant waste of taxpayer dollars responded "This was something facilitated by the Bush Administration". This would be hysterical if it weren't so ridiculous. Yet another Obama Admin gaffe blamed on George Bush. I'm Shocked!
Po

Acronyms are L.A.M.E

Hello my dear friends. People, people, people. Enough with the acronyms already! BFF, LOL, TTYO, enough  already. It's bad enough our youth no longer know how to spell or use basic grammar, now parents are doing it too! The latest acronym to sweep social media is YOLO. I'm sure you've seen it by now. The people using it believe it to mean You Only Live Once.  It's used to justify your bad behavior or to encourage someone else to behave badly. I, and many of you, see YOLO and think You Obviously Lack Originality. Thanks to text messaging, Facebook, Twitter, etc, we've already eliminated the need to actually speak to one another. Now we can't even bother to write actual words! What's next? Grunts and clicks? If you're too busy to spell out a word, maybe you shouldn't be texting or posting on Facebook. I'm just saying. I really can't believe you humans fought your way to the top of the food chain only to revert to an era before the spoken word. So let's all ease up on the acronyms and see how it goes.
Remember: Acronyms Say Someone Has Only Limited Education!
Po

Happy Easter Everyone

Hello my dear friends. I don't usually work on holiday weekends but I did want to take a moment to wish you all a happy Easter or Passover. The Easter Bunny already stopped by this prison. I guess he/she couldn't wait. The big, dumb dog got a bunny.

And we each got one of these goofy plastic things...

I'm not sure what we're supposed to do with it. It doesn't have any nip in it. It doesn't make any noise. It just kind of sits there. You people and your weird holiday traditions. Anyway, enjoy the day!
Po

What I know for sure

Hello my dear friends. A good friend of mine became suddenly ill. She's fighting her way back but it got me to thinking that no one is guaranteed a tomorrow so I had a long talk with Consequella today. Yes, she is amazingly beautiful. Let's move on. Anyway, I turned 12 kitty years old last month. Based on my lineage and size that makes me about 68 people years old. I've had to raise several kitties in my day and now our baby, Sway, is becoming a cat. I decided to pass on some of my vast knowledge to her. "Baby" (that's what I call her because #1 she's the baby and #2 Consequella is about the goofiest name I've ever heard)! "Baby, I'm way to old to know nothing and you're way to young to know everything so sit still and zip it"! Here is my guide to growing older. First, the obvious.
*Family is, and always will be, the core of who you are. You don't have to be blood to be family, you just have to love and be loved, fleas and all. That's how we became a family.
*Good friends are hard to find. So, when you do find them, treat them like the blessing they are. Life is a team sport so build the strongest team you can and you'll never be alone.
*People, in general, are goobers. They don't mean to be. They just are. So be tolerant and forgiving when you can but don't be a sucker. If someone wrongs you, end them! (figuratively of course)
*Money can't buy happiness but poverty sucks so work hard and always do your best. You may never be rich but you'll always have what you need and, sometimes, a little extra for catnip.
Now some things I've learned through trial and error. Not my error mind you. I do not make mistakes. These I things I've learned by watching others screw up.
*If you mess up, own it. The cover up is always worse than the crime. Fess up, take your lumps and move on. Hopefully you'll learn from it.
*Never share a secret that isn't yours to share. Gossip is for goobers.
*"If you don't have something nice to say, say nothing" sounds good in theory but, in reality, sometimes bad things need to be said, just be careful who you say them too.
*You notice that the shorter your bucket list gets the longer your fucket list gets. Don't ever let your fucket list outgrow your bucket list or you'll end up at Bingo every night.
*Don't excuse bad behavior. Confront it or it will drive you nuts. Don't be a vigilante but don't be a doormat either. If someone treats you poorly, let them know it.
*Never leave home without chap stick, hand sanitizer and breath mints. Trust me.
*Become a "regular" at at least one restaurant. That way, in a pinch, you'll always get a good meal.
Finally, my dear Consequella, winning isn't everything but losing isn't anything so, if given the opportunity, go for the win. Live long and prosper Baby!
Po

The World really has gone Mad!

Hello my dear friends. I really don't enjoy having to point out how ridiculous you humans are but, sometimes you leave me no choice. First a McUpdate. *The wingnut who claims she holds one of the winning Mega Millions tickets now says she hid the winning ticket inside the McDonalds where she worked. Where her coworkers, who claim she's screwing them out of their share, still work. That shouldn't cause any problems! She has hired a lawyer who says he hasn't actually seen the alleged ticket but that wont stop him from representing her. Alrighty then. *The internet is all abuzz about the behind-the-scenes blow up between Dancing with the Stars celeb Jaleel White and pro dancer Kym Johnson. Who cares? And, may I add, get real first names. *The entire nation of Cyprus lost power today. The entire country all at once. Now that's a black out! It created major traffic jams during morning rush hour. I have to wonder where they were rushing to. There was no power anywhere. *Video shows major tornadoes in Texas picking up tractor trailers and tossing them through the air like toys. Someone owes the makers of the film "Twister" an apology. *There's a video on YouTube of a brawl during a JV baseball tournament. It's appalling really but, what is even more disturbing, is the voice of the filmmaker in the background. The presumably teenage girl is literally salivating over the fact that she is going to get so many hits on YouTube with the video. Forget the fact that all hell is breaking loose with parents, coaches and players are fighting, screaming and dropping F-bombs. You just hear the girl saying things like "Oh my God, this is so good. I've got it all"! "I'm going to get so many hits on YouTube"! Unfortunately for her she failed to realize that all those hits are going to end with people saying "who is the idiot behind the camera"? Probably not the outcome she envisioned but reality none the less. *The USDA  has agreed to allow companies that produce "Pink Slim" to continue adding it to ground beef as long as the label alerts consumers that it's in there. It's been in there for 20 years but now it's an issue. So, in the true American spirit, you'll have the choice to buy "pink slim" free beef, which I'm guessing will be significantly more expensive, or continue eating what you've been eating for the last 20 years. Only in America do we charge people to take things out of their food!
Po

What a McShock

Hello people. Yes, my beauty can stop traffic! Let's move on. Wait, just the thought of me did this...

Now, let's move on. A woman in Maryland claims she has one of the three winning Mega Million tickets but, claiming she's afraid, she refuses to show it to anyone. Fine. Whatever. Let's, for the sake of argument, say she does have the ticket. That's not the funny part. The funny part is that she works at a McDonalds and her coworkers say they were part of a "group plan" and the winnings belong to all of them. The holder of the ticket says "yes, there was a group plan but the winning ticket is one that I bought on my own". I, for one, am SHOCKED! I mean seriously shocked. If you can't trust a coworker (with 7 kids) at a minimum wage job to share her $200 million dollars, who can you trust? The coworkers apparently have no proof that they all went in on the winning ticket but hey, why would they lie? I mean it's only $200 million dollars. Not really worth breaking up a friendship over. I assume that's why they all invested with just a smile and a wink. All that time spent bonding over Big Macs surely built a trust that could survive a mere $200 million. Right? I sure it will all work out in the end. After all, even if they don't get a share of the jackpot. They still have their jobs at McDonalds to fall back on! On a related note, I'm sure you heard all of the pundits say you had a better chance of being struck by lightening than of winning that jackpot. Well, a guy in Kansas proved them right. Three hours after he bought his (losing) Mega Millions ticket he was struck by lightening!
Sway

Bananaphobia! Seriously?

Hello my dear friends. You people continue to slay me. Just slay me! There are people among you who have a debilitating fear of BANANAS! Bananaphobia is real. According to Vice Magazine, some people with this phobia have such a strong reaction that they can not even walk down the produce aisle. I tell you this, not to mock these people (although they probably should be mocked), but to warn you of what this will lead to. You see, once such a "quirk" is given the "phobia" designation it sets the stage for the "afflicted" to start demanding justice, the same way that one child with a peanut allergy can get peanut butter banned from an entire school. Nuts have also been banned from airline unless, of course, they are flying the plane. Don't get me wrong, many phobias are very real. I, for one, could live very happily in a world without clowns. I do not have coulrophobia (fear of clowns). I just find them unbearably creepy. I also do not suffer from idiophobia (fear of idiots) but I do harbor a strong dislike of them. I think we can safely say that no one with idiophobia lives in Washington D.C. How could they? They'd be terrified night and day! I digress. To all of you who now identify as a bananaphobic, trust me, you have much deeper issues. Bananas are our high potassium friends! Do we really want to live in a world without banana splits, banana muffins or those awesome frozen bananas at the Fair? I, for one, say no! So come on bananaphobes, face that fear and head down that produce aisle! You can do it! Let's mash this phobia before Chiquita finds herself out of a job!
Po

Oooooh Scary!