New Year's Resolutions!

Hello my dear friends! Well, 2011 is drawing to a close and 2012 is just around the corner. As is your human tradition, it's time to set some lofty goals for the coming year. Because I am already purrfect and need no improvement, I have set the following resolutions:
1.   I resolve to watch my captors NOT lose 20 pounds again this year.
2.   I resolve to watch my captors eat healthier (for about two weeks)
3.   I resolve to watch my captors waste another gym membership in 2012
4.   I resolve to watch my captors (begrudgingly) spend more time with loved ones.
5.   I resolve to watch my captors NOT save more money in 2012 (letting the Indians hold your money until the next trip to the casino is NOT a savings plan)!
I guess, in a perfect world, I could resolve to hack up my furballs on the linoleum instead of the carpet or furniture. And, in the big scheme of things, I know there really is no blanket monster, so I could resolve to NOT bite toes in the night. But, my friends, this isn't a perfect world, is it? So screw that!
So there you have it! My resolutions for 2012. I'm sure I will fulfill all of my resolutions. How about you?
Happy New Year everyone! I hope it's a safe, happy and prosperous one!
Po

Here it is!

Hello my dear friends! As promised, my year end fantasy video....Enjoy!

No animals were hurt in the filming of this video! Hehehe
Tomorrow...Resolutions!
Po

Yikes! It's over

Hello my friends! I've been trying to figure out how to end the holiday and I finally know how to do it!

Viveo to follow! Don't miss it!

Brrrrrrrr

Oh, the weather outside is frieghtful
But the fire is so delightful
Since we are prisoners with nowhere to go
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!
Po

One Down; One to Go!

Hello People. Thank goodness my Birthday Celebration is over. I'm exhausted! All of the decorating, visiting, eating, celebrating, travelling, shopping and entertaining. It's all a Kitty can do to make it through with her sanity! But, the celebrating isn't over yet. There's still the odd human tradition of New Year's Eve. I still can figure that one out. I've watched the captors for several years now. Why do humans always spend the first day of the brand new year asleep on the couch? Don't get me wrong, I'm all for a good nap, but this behavior seems strange to me. First everyone appears very excited about the arrival of this new year. There's music and laughter, eating and toasting, dancing and kissing, all leading up to an entire day spent unproductively lying on the couch. What is the meaning of this? I would think that, after such an exciting lead up, you would want to hit the ground running in this new year. But no. Apparently January 1st is a day of rest and, from my experience, the day you jam the tree out the front door and down to the curb. Not a very fitting end to such a lovely piece of nature. Anyway, I'll have to wait to see if this year will be any different but I'm not holding out much hope that it will be. In the meantime, I still have boxes and bags to tear up before they're gone with 2011 (and my tree)! Later
Sway

A Visit from St. Kitty Claus!

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that ST. KITTYCLAUS soon would be there;

The Kitties were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of catnip toys danced in their heads;
The Dog in her Antlers, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.

The moon on the creast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below,

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear, 

But a miniature sleigh, and eight make that seven tiny reindeer, 

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Kit.
More rapid than eagles her coursers they came,
And she whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

"Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN!
On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONDER and WHERE'S BLITZEN!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my paw, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Kitty came with a bound.

Her eyes -- how they twinkled! Her dimples how merry!
Her cheeks were like roses, her nose like a cherry!
Her droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of her chin was as white as the snow;

She spoke not a word, but went straight to her work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
Laying her toe pad aside of her nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney she rose;

She sprang to her sleigh, to her team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
But I heard her exclaim, as she drove out of sight,
"MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL KITTIES, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT

Holy HoHoZilla!

Hello my dear friends! With Christmas growing ever nearer I'm noticing a rapid increase in the number of HoZillas!  What, you may ask, is a HoZilla? A HoZilla is a person who gets so wound up and stressed out over Christmas that they turn into Holiday D-Bags! You know the type. They become aggressive and rude, especially in stores where they seem to believe that they are the only ones on a deadline. I actually heard of one HoZilla encounter with my Captor that went something like this: HoZilla: "why did all of these people wait until the last minute to finish shopping, I'll never get out of here"! My Captor: "aren't you one of those people?" HoZilla "No, I'm NOT one of those people. I didn't wait until the last minute, I have to work, you know".  My Captor: "24/7, 365?" HoZilla: "Screw you, Bitch!" My Captor: "and a Happy New Year". So here's a little word of adivce if you, or someone you know, is becoming a HoZilla, LIGHTEN UP! You're sucking the joy out of it for the rest of us!  Thank You!
Po

Cheap and Easy! Just like my Captors

Hello People. I love BAGS too! Anyway, you were promised some lovely, inexpensive ideas for Christmas gift giving so, here we go. First, this is awesome, our Aunt Maryanne gave the captors a "cookie jar". It's not what you think. It's a jar with all of the ingredients (except the perishables) to make a batch of cookies!

It's lovely! On the other side of the jar is the recipe and baking instructions. We just thought this was wonderful and the perfect little gift to say "we're thinking of you at the Holidays".  Next, flavored oils or "dipping oils" (as the cool kids call them) are very inexpensive. Match up two with a nice crusty bread in a basket (from the Dollar Store) and you have a great (and delicious) gift for under $10!

The captors are baking Italian Christmas cookies for their friends and co-workers. It's a bit of work but, when all is said and done, they'll have about 10 gifts, all for under $20 and who doesn't love cookies! For those quickie gifts (where a bottle of wine won't do) it's back to the Dollar Store (LOVE that place) get three Christmas tins and three Christmas mugs. Go to your warehouse store and by a gift box of flavored teas or coffees ($9.99). Put a mug and a third of the teas or coffees in each tin, throw in a small package of crackers wrap them up in cellophane (Dollar Store again!) and there you go, three lovely little gifts for about $7 apiece! Be creative. Have fun with it. Gifts don't have to be expensive to be appreciated. After all, it's the thought that counts! HoHoHo!
Sway

The Perfect Gift for Everyone!

Hello my dear friends. I know that the hardest part of the holidays for most people is selecting the perfect gift for every one on your list. In addition, there's the issue of getting "something small" for the people you feel obligated to give something to. Well, as always, I'm here to help. First, for the people you actually like and want to make happy, let me ease your stress. No one knows what it's like to get a crappy gift better than me. Believe me, I've gotten some Doozies (note the photo above)! Last year I got a frickin' Chia Pet! Who buys those things? No one actually wants a Chia pet, a Snuggie, goofy slippers that bark, beep or light up, and, for the love of Po, please STOP the "As Seen on TV" madness! Anyway, I digress. The number one thing to remember, especially for those picky people, is that God made "gift receipts" for a reason. So, do your best and include the receipt. I have found that this "don't ask, don't tell" gift exchange works best. No embarrassment, no hard feelings and no little white lies past the initial "OMG, I love this"! It is very important to remember, and I can't stress this enough, it is absolutely acceptable to purchase noisy toys for other people's children. As a matter of fact, I encourage it! The gift that keeps on giving, if you will. It never gets old, trust me! Finally, know your audience. Buying holiday liqueurs for people who aren't drinkers is akin to buying a gift for a stranger. You know it's going to be re-gifted. I swear I saw the same bottle of Amaretto circulate the family Christmas party for three years before someone finally cracked it open to mercifully break the cycle. Tomorrow, I'll give you some inexpensive ideas for great homemade gifts for friends and obligations alike!
Po

Santa Called

I simply can't believe this. I'm getting screwed by Santa Claus!
I got this message from Santa
Jolly Old Elf my paw! What could I possibly have done to deserve this!  This isn't over Santa. This isn't over.
Po

I'm here to save you money!

Hello my dear friends! Christmas is right around the corner so I'd like to offer all of you captors out there a little money saving tip. While you're out trying to assuage your guilt over holding us captive by spending money on jingle balls, scratch pads and the like, I'll let you in a little secret. All we really want are BAGS!

Glorious BAGS! They're the best. You can do anything with bags. You can play games (like "bag"), you can hide in them, sleep in them, crinkle them. God, I love bags! So, buy yourself something pretty and give us the bag it came in! This will satisfy any feline.  Dogs are a different story. Dogs suck at "bag". So, if you've actually burdened yourself with a dog, I would suggest art supplies. Yes, art supplies. Our dog paints!

Here she is working on one of her masterpieces. And, surprisingly, it turned out pretty good.

We call this "Dog Garden" and it's actually hanging on the wall. I know, right? You may have a DogVinci of your own and not even know it. A little tip though, water based paint! Good luck to you all!
Po

Year in Review...Good Grief!

Hello my dear friends. It's that time of year again. Everyone wants to remind us of the year that has just past and, for some reason, they feel the need to do it in blocks of 10. Top ten lists of everything! It's exhausting. So, in the spirit of the season, I have compiled a list of the top five things (dare to be different) that annoy me about reviewing the current year and telling me the best and worst of my year.
#5  Most of us have to capacity to remember major events that are less than 300 days old. If we don't remember certain things it's probably because they weren't that important to us to begin with.
#4   People who are "fascinating" to an 82 year old woman really aren't that fascinating to the rest of us. Seriously Barbara, Pippa Middleton and Katy Perry?
#3   Let's face it, a two hour special on the "Biggest stories of 2011" is really just another rerun dressed up like new programming. We're not fooled CBS (or ABC, NBC, etc.).
#2   Your opinion of the best music, movies, etc of the year mean nothing to me. I rarely agree with you and it's really pretty arrogant of you to think you speak for the rest of us.
#1   None of your lists EVER include animals. You people! How about the most fascinating felines of 2011? Obviously I would be #1 but there are 9 other spots that could be filled by the likes of those jingle bell singing cats, the cat that plays the piano on YouTube, Mittens Romney, Purrak Omama, Kitty Kardashian, you get my point people. Put a little effort in to it people!
Po

Thanks for the Bone!

Hi There! Po just read an article to me about my favorite baseball player, Derek Jeter.  It seems Mr. Jeter is quite the ladies man (no surprise, right?).  According to the New York Post, Derek likes to hook up with ladies at out of the way places (to avoid the paparazzi) and take them to his bachelor pad at the Trump Tower in New York. Nothing wrong with that. The interesting thing is the next morning when he sends them home, alone, in his private car service, where there is a "gift basket" waiting for them. Apparently it's filled with an autographed baseball and various other pieces of memorabilia. A Swag Bag, if you will! You would like to think it's sort of a "thanks for the memories" offering but he got busted when he allegedly dropped an identical gift basket on the same woman, twice. Apparently he forgot about their first encounter. So much for the "memories" theory. How embarrassing! If you're wondering, an average autographed Derek Jeter ball goes for about $400 on the open market. Of course, if he's flooding the market with thanks for the bone balls, their value would decrease. Besides, if you sell your bone ball and keep the cash, that kind of makes you a hooker. Tough call. Do you proudly display the memorabilia and say, oh yeah, that's from my one night stand with Derek Jeter or do you sell the swag and say, oh that 52 inch 3D HD TV, that's from my one night as a hooker? Tough call. I'd love to find out what Minka Kelly walked off with!
Anya

The times they are a changin'

Hello my dear friends! I was just resting here, listening to a little Christmas music, thinking about the world has changed. Take for instance some of our classic Christmas songs....

Nuttin for Christmas

I put a tack on teacher's chair;
Somebody snitched on me.
I tied a knot in Suzy's hair;
Somebody snitched on me.

What was the end result of this? That's right, nuttin' for Christmas! Do that today and the end result would be a lifetime supply of Ritalin and perhaps some time in an institution!

Away in the Manger

Away in a manger, no crib for a bed,

The little Lord Jesus laid down his sweet head.

The stars in the bright sky looked down where he lay,

The little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay.

Today baby Jesus would be in foster care!

Frosty the Snowman

Frosty the snowman knew
The sun was hot that day,
So he said, "Let's run and
We'll have some fun
Now before I melt away."

Stranger Danger...RUN!

Santa Baby

Think of all the fun I've missed
Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed
Next year I could be oh so good
If you'd check off my Christmas list

Prostitution

Holly Jolly Christmas

Oh, ho the mistletoe

Hung where you can see

Somebody waits for you

Kiss her once for me

Sexual Harassment

We Wish You A Merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy New Year.

Politically Incorrect

Deck the Halls

Don we now our gay apparel,

Fa la la, la la la, la la la.

Troll the ancient Yule tide carol,

Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Parade in June?

Oh, the good old days!

Po

So Much Silliness!

Hello my dear friends!  I just love a good catnip buzz early in the morning. It just makes dealing with Goobers so much easier and, let's face it, this world has been overrun by Goobers!  Today's Goober is Professor John Banzhaf, a law professor at George Washington University. He has filed a Human Rights complaint (two actually) against Washington D.C.'s Catholic University of America stating that Muslim students are being discriminated against. From the Washington Post:

The official allegations claim that CUA, “does not provide space – as other universities do – for the many daily prayers Muslim students must make, forcing them instead to find temporarily empty classrooms where they are often surrounded by Catholic symbols which are incongruous to their religion.” 

Are you scratching your head too?  So, to be clear, students (I assume voluntarily) attending the Catholic University of America are somehow surprised and offended that they are surrounded by Catholic symbols. A law professor is somehow shocked that the Catholic University of America doesn't have a Mosque? Gee, I wonder how many Muslim schools have the Virgin Mary in their in-school chapels? I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Professor Banzhaf also filed a human rights complaint against CUA challenging their same sex dorms.  Apparently that is sex discrimination. That case has been tossed out on the grounds that, well, it's just plain goofy. I don't believe the former case has much merit either but, hey, you never know. The world is full of Goobers!

Po

Oh What a Party!

Hello People.  Well, the captors threw my annual Birthday Bash this weekend. What a time it was. All the people, all the food, all the NOISE!  I skipped most of it. Do you know what it's like to be a kitty in a room full of humans! My tail was in jeopardy the entire time. I'm not sure what time they left but when I came down,, Yikes! What a mess!

I'm talking full blown disaster area! What we're they thinking!

It took them all morning to clean it up and, for some reason, they were moving pretty slowly. They kept sitting down and moaning. It was very strange.  Anyway, a good time was apparently had by all. At least it sounded to me like a good time was being had by all. We'll have to wait and see if the captors are a little more perky today!
Later,
Sway

Seriously People!

Hello my dear friends! I know, as people, you sometimes over react to the silliest things.  You can't help yourselves, you're "human". But this goes beyond silly (even for humans). A 9 year old North Carolina boy was suspended from school for 2 days for sexual harassment after a substitute teacher overheard him tell another student that he thought one of his teachers was "cute". That's right. A nine year old boy was overheard telling another 9 year old boy that he thought one of his teachers was "cute" and he was suspended for SEXUAL HARASSMENT!  I feel quite comfortable in saying that this world has GONE MAD! He never approached the teacher in question; never spoke to her; just told a friend what he thought and was suspended for it.  Here's a link to the article: Click Here.  I have never been to Brookside Elementary School in Gastonia, North Carolina, but I suspect their library may be in need of a dictionary! Regardless, it got me to thinking. This is a new world we live in and people are a little, well, nuts.  So I've compiled a short list of 5 things you, as humans, should no longer say to each other, in order to protect yourselves from possible legal action in the future.
1) "Hello"; "Hey"; "Hi" or any other type of open-ended greeting.  This could be construed as an attempt to engage the unsuspecting person in unwanted conversation, which could then lead to verbal harassment.
2) "What time is it?"  Clearly this could be misinterpreted as a backhanded way of implying that you want to have sex with that individual.  Why else would you want to know how long you have?!?!?!
3) "I beg your pardon".  Clearly you're begging for sex! How could you! You Pig!
4) "Is it hot enough/cold enough for you"?  Please! Obviously you just want to get in my fur!  SECURITY!
5) "How about those Buffalo Bills"? There are no sexual implications here, it's just sad.
So people, when in doubt use my simple NSATAEA approach:
Never Say Anything To Anyone Ever Again!  Thank goodness for Facebook.  Oh wait, Facebook!  Are you a stalker?  You must be a stalker.  Why else would you bring up Facebook?
Po

Dear Santa...A little Help Please

Dear Santa Paws,

I certainly don't want to tell you how to do your job. I know you've been at it a long time and are doing the best you can. But, in case you're not sure what to bring the Buffalo Bills for Christmas (Obviously our pleas for a playoff berth were beyond your ability) I have a simple suggestion for a stocking stuffer

Thank you for your time.
Much Love
Anya

Deck the Halls!

Hello people.  The process of decorating for my annual Birthday celebration has begun!  Soon the entire prison will be aglow with lights, shiny baubles and bells, a big tree and so much more. Once everything is in it's place, I will, as always, begin destroying it! Hey, it's how I roll.

First I pull the little ornaments off and toss the around the room.  That's Awesome!

Then I open some of their pretty little packages to see what's inside.  I also like to play with the little bows!

What fun! And, we're just getting started! I know what you're thinking. 'Gee, it's a little early, isn't it?' Well, the captors throw a little shindig on the second Friday in December so the prison has to be ready. This year there's a "Buffalo Bills Shrine" in the bathroom (where it belongs) and some much more. I'll keep you posted as the countdown to my Birthday progresses!
Later
Sway

Scary Words Indeed

Hello my dear friends. As many of you know, because of my diabetes, I spend a lot of time at the torture chamber known as The Vet's Office. I used to think the scariest words known to Cat were "We're going for a ride in the car" or "Don't worry, I'm not going to hurt you".  I was wrong.  My hero, Ronald Reagan once said "the 9 most terrifying words in the English language are 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help'." That's certainly has to be in the top 10! The way the world is changing, it got me to thinking (and hopefully you too) about which phrases make my ears perk today.  Here are my top 5...
#5  Do you smell that?
#4  I was watching Fox News today...
#3  People say I'm easily excited
#2  You call that a fire?
AND, The Number One Scariest Phrase today is.......

Ladies and Gentlemen, Justin Bieber!

Let the Season Begin!

Hello my dear friends! The preparations for the Christmas season have begun! The BEST part of Christmas at this prison is all of the cool new places to nap! This cloud-like stuff is popping up everywhere. I don't know why they don't use this year round. It rocks!  Soon, the captors will be bringing a LIVE tree right inside.

Trees are great places to hang out.  Ignore the Gnomes (we all do).  And the GIFTS! So many gifts...

It wears me out just thinking about it! I have to enjoy my cloud-like bed while I can because soon (too soon) it will be home to the UGLIEST tree ever!  Seriously.  The captors call it "tacky chic". As a matter of fact, that's pretty much how they describe the entire prison but I digress. This tree is, well...you be the judge!

Yup! As I was saying...
Po